Life can be good

My mom is visiting from Nashville, so I took a day off to spend time with her. We had the best day just hanging out together. Tonight we were both cooking dinner in the kitchen, and listening to Christmas music (yes, we start listening to Christmas music pretty early) and we both just had this moment that life is good. In the busyness of life, often times I don't slow down enough to really stop and enjoy the moments in life that are so sweet. Life goes by so quickly, so it's that much more important to captivate the moments that remind of us how sweet it is!

Philosophy of life

When we moved into our house, the landscaping was so bad, that we decided it would be better to go without. Then came the problem of perfectionism. I knew I could just plant some bushes and call it good, but I wanted more. So last Saturday I decided to go to a local nursery, instead of Home depot, and serendipitously found the answer to a lot of my landscaping problems. First of all, selection is key. This place has lots of options which is crucial when trying to landscape. Secondly, the owner, Shirley, has been doing this for over 40 years, and was more than willing to give me a lesson on landscaping. I left the nursery with a renewed confidence to attempt to landscape my front yard. Shirley left me with this bit of wisdom, ther are no rules with landscaping as long as you like it. Now instead of trying to find the perfect design and the perfect plants, I'm just going for it.

The first step in the landscaping process required that I take up two years worth of mulch. It was extremely hot and for a girl who is not used to manual labor, it was a bit of a challenge. As I'm raking and shoveling mulch, I thought if I were in a concentration camp then my life would depend on my ability to keep going. Then I thought to myself, live as if your life depended on it, because it does. Now I'm sure that's not an original thought, but for me, profound. So I kept working with a renewed sense of commitment.

On another note, I admit it, I enjoy watching Oprah. It's interesting and often entertaining, however, yesterday's show just made me so mad. Oprah's philosophy of life-"Live your own truth". What? What is that? What about God's truth? This world we live in is just continuing to buy into the lies of the enemy and our society just keeps accepting it as "truth". Since when is sexual sin "personal truth". The body of Christ needs so much more awareness and equipping to fight for truth. It made me want to support ministries like Exodus even more. Selfishly, I'm glad to know that Jesus is coming back soon, but I know that as joyful as that is to me, for so many it will be a day of regret.

Disappointing news once again

Well for those of you who knew, we did IVF for the first time. Unfortunately today we found out that we were unsuccessful. It is extremely disappointing, but nothing like the miscarriages. I have endured daily shots since July 6, sometimes three times a day, (thankfully, Kyle was pretty good with the IM injections) a surgery with anesthesia, a transfer (I had no idea that Valium would make you feel so loopy), and three days of bedrest. All to find out that we are no further along than when we started. For some reason, it just wasn't a good cycle. I didn't respond to the medications well; only one side produced eggs. Then only 3 out of the 7 eggs fertilized. The quality of the eggs wasn't the best, so they decided to transfer then sooner rather than later. Now Kyle and I are faced with the decision of what's next. I think we will start to seriously look into adoption, and we will consider trying IVF one more time. Meanwhile, I would appreciate your prayers. Sometimes it just feels like I will never have a baby, but I know that isn't the truth. I will continue to hold onto the word that the Lord gave me, this is my test, but it will be my testimony. So I know I will have a baby, it's just a matter of how and when.

our new addition

Kyle brought home our latest addition to our family, Maggie. She is cute, mostly housebroken, and I think Java is warming up to her. They are so funny together. Sometimes they are fighting over a toy, and then moments later they are playing together. It's taken Java a little time to realize that she is here to stay. At first Java pouted a lot and acted like we no longer loved her, but after lots of extra attention she knows she is still our puppy.

We go on vacation on Saturday, and I can't wait to get away and relax. The nice thing about working a lot, is that vacation is much sweeter and extremely needed. It will be good to be with family, my parents, grandpa, sister and her boyfriend are all coming down, so we will have lots of fun. I love going to Destin. It's not just about being at the beach, it's about revisiting a place that is familiar and full of sweet memories. My family has been going to the same condo in Destin since I was about 10 years old. The first time I ever saw the ocean was in Destin. I'll never forget climbing up the steps of the boardwalk and seeing the vast beautiful ocean. Then to discover that the sand was so soft, almost like God mixed flour and sugar together. I can't wait to just be-to read a book, long talks with the people I love, walks on the beach at sunset, great seafood, and lots of sleep to catch up on.

Work to live or live to work?

Today I was talking to my boss and he mentions to me that he has trouble finding people who are willing to work as hard as he does. (He works insane hours without a break-EVER). He explained that there was plenty of time to rest......when we are old, incontinent, and bedridden!

Personally I have never talked to an elderly person who regrets working too little. They always regret not enjoying life, or not spending enough time with friends and family.

So tonight a few of my girlfriends and I went to see the movie The Devil Wears Prada. Without ruining the whole crux of the movie, I will tell you that this young idealistic girl who wants to be a journalist ends up working for a fashion industry mogel. In the movie, she is always having to sacrifice her personal life for her boss's calls and outrageous demands. While I am in the movie, someone pages me. It's dark, so I can't read the number, but I think to myself I will go out and call them back in a minute. Well then I notice that someone tried to call my cell phone too. I notice that it is none other than my boss! I walk out of the theater and call him back, all to find out that he was worried that my pager wasn't working, and since I hadn't called back in 15 minutes, he tried calling my cell phone. Then when he couldn't reach me he called a coworker to get my home phone. When I called him back, he says that he had a patient say they paged the nurse and no one called back. I explained to him that I hadn't received any pages, and that I did receive his page. So then he asks for my home phone for future reference.

Isn't it ironic?

Don't you think?

A little too ironic?

I keep telling myself that this is just short term-until I hire more staff, but I am starting to wonder if it will ever be enough. I wonder if my boss will ever understand my desire to have a life outside of work. I know that I am making some sacrifices for the sake of my career, but ultimately I know that my desire is to be a mom and I won't let my "job" dictate my life. I think the saddest part of it all is wondering just how much of life my boss is missing.

Obviously we have to work-but to what extent?
We work so hard, to have so many things, so that we can work more to have more things that we never really enjoy.

This past month I haven't been able to just be in my house during the day. I didn't even realize what I was missing, until last weekend. Kyle and I were both at home and had nothing on the agenda. For the first time in a long while, I felt like I was able to enjoy my home as opposed to just sleeping and eating in it.

Life was meant to be lived, and living encompasses much more that just work!

I'm back!

These past couple of months have been very challenging. I have allowed myself to grieve this last miscarriage, but at the same time I have had to fight feelings of depression. Even though I knew that the enemy wanted my sadness to become depression, there were times that being depressed was attractive. I had this gut wrenching nagging feeling that didn't seem to go away, and the tears-just kept coming. I was so tired of crying!

Thankfully, I am starting to feel emotiionally healthy again. My job has kept me EXTREMELY busy and time has provided healing. As for the baby journey, we are in the process of starting IVF soon. I'm not sure how much of it I will blog, but I will try to keep everyone posted.

closure

Monday I had one more ultrasound, just to make sure it was really over. There was absolutely no change since our first ultrasound 4 weeks ago. There was no heartbeat, and no growth. The doctor could see where the lining was starting to breakdown. We decided to proceed with a D&C. The advantages of having the surgery outweighed the alternative of waiting. Since this is our second miscarriage, it raises the obvious question, why? By having the D&C, we could get embryonic genetic testing for sure. If it is abnormal, then that would explain why this baby didn't make it. However, if it's normal, then there is probably something else going on that may be causing the miscarriages. Secondly, the surgery allows for a quicker physical recovery, which in turn is easier emotionally. Some people have said to me I should just have faith and believe in life. For the past several weeks, I have had faith and believed that my baby was going to be ok, but at some point I have to accept the fact that I have lost another baby. The baby had already died, and I knew it. So yesterday we went to the hospital and had the surgery. It's never fun having surgery, but since I have had this surgery before it was pretty easy. I've been taking it easy today, and it has been really nice to just have a day to relax and recooperate. There is still a part of me that is very sad that this is over, but at least I can now accept it and move forward.

Thankfully, I have had lots of encouragement and support, especially from my husband. I am so blessed to have a husband who holds me up when I'm down and loves me through one of the toughest seasons of my life thus far. Kyle thank you for being my rock and my partner. I love you more and more each day.

Raw

Today has been hard. I'm not sure why one day is worse than others, but for some reason it is. I've been on the brink of tears all day. If I let myself think about it all, the tears just start coming. On top of it all, I get this horrible headache and my eyes burn from crying so much. I know that there are such worse things that other people go through; I know that I will get through this. I know that I will someday be a mom, there is just such sadness that I can't ignore.

I went to Target on the way home; I admit it, I was emotionally shopping. It seemed like every new mom with their new baby was shopping.I know I'm probably just a little more sensitive. The only way I can explain it is I see them and I yearn to be in their place. Then I saw this cute pajama outfit that peeked my curiosity, so I began looking through to find something comfy, and somehow before I knew it I was in the maternity department. I just left without the pajamas. Then I get home and check the mail to find a baby magazine that I apparently signed up for when I signed up on one of those week to week websites. Why does it seem that when you just want to escape from something, there are reminders EVERYWHERE! I know that I have been in survival mode the past few days-just keep going, go to work,think logically about it all.

I know that I have to grieve; I have to allow myself to grieve. If I don't, then I will always find these reminders and feel the pain. From experience I know that there is healing, I just wish it came packaged up with assembly instructions and delivered to my door. I'm not angry at God, and I still have faith that He knows what He is doing; I just didn't think it was going to be this hard.

Sad news

For those who keep up with our pursuit of fertility...
Last March we went through another cycle of artificial insemination, and on March 27 we found out the good news that we had conceived. This time the hormone levels went up the way they should. . After losing our last pregnancy, we were cautiously excited, so we decided to not announce this pregnancy until we were a little further along. Two weeks ago we had our first ultrasound, it was a little early, so we didn't get to see the heartbeat yet. A week later we had another ultrasound and we actually saw the heartbeat, but the baby hadn't grown in length from the last ultrasound. I really believed that everything was going to be alright, that maybe it was just a bad measurement. The doctor said it's a good sign that there is a heartbeat, but I'm guarded because it hasn't grown. Disappointed but hopeful, we continued to wait.

Today we had another ultrasound, unfortunately there is no heartbeat, and it hasn't grown at all. Today is nine weeks, but the baby only measures 6 weeks. Again, we face losing another baby. My mind is swimming with so many thoughts, and my heart feels numb. On one hand, I still feel in a state of shock, in another hand, the news doesn't seem as traumatic because we have gone down this path before. I know God is faithful to His promise, I just didn't know it was going to be this hard.

It's not too bad

I woke up this morning and after fixing my hair the way I usually do, it's not too bad. Kyle and friends at work actually like it. It has more tones to it-a little bit of blonde, a bit of red, and a little bit of my natural. It kind of gives me that sunkissed look-which come to think of it, now is the time to look sunkissed even if my skin is still white as a ghost. I've been wearing my hair curly since the beginning of February, and it has cut down my get ready time by at least 15 minutes. Growing up I always wanted curly hair, and even tried the spiral perms. That was a horrible idea! The perm took on about half of my hair-needless to say it is definitely my worst school picture. Fast forward to now-there are great products and the curly hair look doesnt' require beautiful spiral curls-a nice messy wave look actually passes. So one day I went to Target and bought curly hair products and a diffuser-and came up with my present style. Everyone seemed to like it and it's much easier-so for now curly hair will be my do. Regarding the bronze orange tint to my hair, again I think it just takes time getting used to something different. For all my friends that don't get to see me on a day to day basis-I'll try to post some pics.

Wannabee Irish Rock Star

I wore green today, not because I'm Irish, but because I have traumatic memories of not wearing green. I remember one St. Patrick's Day in middle school that I showed up to school and didn't have green on. The rest of the day I endured the incessant question "Where is your green?" and then was pinched repeatedly. By the end of the day the backs of my arms were actually sore. Needless to say, I always wear green on St. Patrick's Day, even though I'm not Irish and I don't really celebrate this Irish holiday.

I have this love/hate relationship with getting my hair done. I love the process of having my hair washed cut and styled, however I hate the process of deciding what I want. I went today to a new girl. I should have known this wasn't a good fit when I called this morning and got a same day appointment. Then the obvious question-what do you want done? I just needed my roots highlighted and a trim. Sounds simple enough right? Wrong. Well then I find out that the girl who did my hair last time didn't write down what she did. Then they always ask me all of these questions--toner, low lights, bleach, length? I don't know, I thought this was why I was paying almost $200. Why can't I just say what I want and then they know how to make it happen? She fixed my hair and I walked out looking like a wannabee 80's rock star. My hair was frizzy and huge, not to mention somehow my bangs are bronze and orange? Hmm, I'm pretty sure I didn't ask for that.

So at the end of the day with my green shirt and my frizzy hair-I felt like a wannabee Irish Rock star.

waiting game

Everything went very well on Monday with the IUI. No problems this time. Now we wait--in a couple of weeks we will know if we are pregnant. So please hope and pray with us!!

Maybe this time

For those who want the details of our latest fertilty efforts-read on....

We decided to do another cycle of IUI (intrauterine Insemination). Instead of an oral medication (Clomid), I am taking an injectable stimulation medication called "Follistim". Thankfully, needles don't bother me, so giving myself a shot isn't really a big deal. It ihas been a little strange working for my doctor. I realize that it really isn't anything to him, it's more my own insecurities. So I am getting over that real quick. Every few days I have had an ultrasound and bloodwork to monitor how well the follicles are developing. My last ultrasound on Thursday showed four follicles on the left. For those wondering what a follicle is, an egg develops in a follicle. Apparently, the right is on vacation. So tonight I give myself an HCG shot that helps prepare the ovaries to release the egg, and Monday is the big day-so everyone pray that this will be the time that God fulfills His promise.

The verse I am standing on, loosely translated Hebrews 11:11, "By faith I have received strength to conceive seed, even though the doctors have said that my womb is aged, because I have judged God to be faithful to His promise." After Monday, begins the waiting game. I'll keep everyone updated.

Ethics?

Thankfully, my job is going very well. As I expected, the part-time status was short-lived. It's kind of hard to be in management and not be there all the time. Somehow working full-time at this job isn't as stressful. Granted I am still trying to figure out when to do laundry, buy groceries, and clean house, but thankfully I have help with those responsibilities. I know that I am very blessed to have a husband who helps out around the house. I guess I have his mom to thank for that.

There was an ethical issue that arose that was kind of challenging this week. Basicallly, we had homosexual male couples contacting our office requesting our services. This brings up enumerous issues-legally and ethically. The doctor and a few of the staff met, and it was totally looking like they couldn't find a reason to not take care of this type of patient. I was really trying not to ignore my personal beliefs, but instead give alternative reasons why this wasn't a good idea. At one point the doctor looked at me and asked is this going to be an issue that you may just walk out on. I explained that I hadn't quite made a decision, but was trying to keep my personal beliefs in perspective yet maintain my professionalism. I was praying hard about what stand to take, and Friday I realized that I just needed to ask God to close that door and give the doctor wisdom. Friday night a friend at work called and said that she could tell that I wasn't on board with the idea, yet I was being professional about the issue. She did more research, and found FDA regulations that inhibit us from taking care of this type of patient. PRAISE GOD! My prayers have been answered. He gave me the opportunity to explain my perspective but He relieved me from having to make a very difficult decision. It reminds me of the importance of our laws and the importance of the Christian community being active in developing our laws and regulations.

Back in the saddle again

I am so amazed how God has truly provided. I am loving my job. I'm learning a lot, and I am finding that work doesn't stress me out as much anymore. Since I have been working as a nurse, there is this underlying stress. When you know that every decision made has consequences, and could be life or death decisions, the weight of that responsibility seems so daunting at times. There are times when I really questioned if I could handle it; I always did, but I didn't always want to. This is the first time in a very long time that my job doesn't really carry that stress. Even though I loved having my time off, I'm back in the saddle again and am loving it.

On another note, after waiting the necessary time post miscarriage, we are officially trying to get pregnant again. The best news-I get a discount because I work there. I won't bore everyone with all the details again, but I'll keep everyone updated on any significant news. So in that aspect of my life, I'm also back in the saddle again.

my first week

My new job is going pretty well. As always, it has its challenges-the learning curve, managment issues, etc. Everyone is so nice though, and its great to finally be working in an environment that I feel supported and encouraged. My management responsibilities are a new skill for me to refine, but thankfully I inherited my dad's analytical/organizational skills. Thanks dad!

On a spiritual note, the enemy has been working overtime! I have a heightened awareness of the battle that we face in the Spirit. God keeps asking, "Do you really trust me?" Because if we did REALLY trust Him, we would give Him our anxieties, our struggles, and concerns, and then trust that He took care of it. Sometimes I find myself giving a situation to Him, and then before I know it I'm worried about it. As I was worrying, the Lord just asked, "have you given this to Me?........... then let Me have it." I'm learning to trust. The word that I am holding onto is "No weapon formed against me shall prosper." The enemy has no weapon, no tactic that can harm us if we really do trust Him, So although the struggle is real, I am fighting harder than I have probably ever fought. I know that the battle is already won, but I am learning to trust that His purpose and process is greater than we can understand in the natural.

In Honor

This past weekend has been quite challenging. I found out on Saturday that my grandmother passed away. Unfortunately she lived in Arkansas, and they had a horrible icestorm over the weekend. Not to mention that my first day on the job was today. My dad called me and basically said "don't come"! Well this brings quite a dilemma. Go-and be there for my grandmother's funeral and miss my first day on the job, or stay-accepting my father's request and miss her funeral. Then add on the fact that I really wasn't very close to her. Because of the timing of it all, I had to make the decision with very little time to really think about it. After many tears and advice, I decided to not go.

Then came the struggle. It has been a two day battle mentally and emotionally. The decision was made, and it was too late to change my mind. I had to come to peace with the fact that I wasn't going to be there. It all came down to wanting to be there to honor my dad and his heritage. My dad is the kind of man who always puts others first, especially his girls. Because of this, you never really know what he needs or what he wants. I had to trust him that if he wanted me there he would have given me some indication, and I would have been there in a heartbeat.

So last night I was really struggling with this decision that I had made- I felt like I was missing the mark as a granddaughter and as a daughter. The Lord so clearly revealed to me that if God is the mark, then I can never miss it. Sometimes we are forced to make decisions without really getting a chance to ask the Lord and wait for His response. These are the times that we have to trust the Spirit in us, to guide us, and with that we will never go wrong.

My first day on the job was good. A bit overwhelming, not as welcoming as I would have liked, but I survived. I'm truly trying to just take it one day at a time, so maybe tomorrow I will tell you a little bit more about the job.

Today-I want to honor my grandmother, Eva Kitchell, although I couldn't be there today, I was there in heart. The woman who raised the best dad in the world is now with our Heavenly Father. She is healed, she is whole, and she will be loved and missed.

Latest update

I've been a little bit out of the blogging world. No real reason except I've been feverishly working on projects around the house. I'm the type of person that routine is good for, but I tend not to implement it unless I have to. During this interim of not working, I find that I become a night owl. I sometimes stay up until 4am, and even then have to tell myself to go to bed because it's late. There is nothing like the quiet of the night, such solitude and focus. I will get in a zone and before I know hours have passed by. So by now I'm sure you are asking "what in the world are you doing until 4am?" Well, honestly mostly organizing and scrapbooking. It's a great sense of accomplishment to get a project done, however I think I may have to give up the notion of ever being "caught up". There are just too many projects/albums that I would like to do. It's nice getting the opportunity to get some of it done though.

Well, my husband gave me a powerbook for my birthday, so now I can enjoy the blogging world from the comforts of my own couch-Yippee! This also means that I need to learn all about MAC usage. I've already discovered the beauty of iphoto-it is so much better than my PC version.

I start my job with my infertility specialist one week from tomorrow. I'm extremely excited, but kind of nervous as well. I love learning, but not all at once. I feel like I'm standing at the bottom of a huge mountain looking up and wondering how in the world am I going to make it up there. (The mountain being the learning curve). Just as God truly handed me this job and opened the doors, I know that He will give me wisdom and strength to begin this next journey. Thanks to everyone for your prayers about my job situation. This whole storyline is definitely one that I know God wrote.

Nashvegas!

Now that I'm"in between" jobs, I have been able to go to Tennessee and visit family and friends. The women in my extended family have a tradition of getting together, known as the "Chapman Women Hoodalihoo", about once a month and having dinner. Well my Aunt Jen decided to spice things up a bit and told us to wear tennis shoes and a tight fitting shirt. So Jen picked us up and wouldn't tell us anything about where we were going. We arrived to the University School of Nashville, where we asked the parking guy what was going on tonight and of course he responded with the very vague answer of "some plays and classes". We then walk into the building and Jen discreetly shows the guy at the front desk which class we are attending, and tells him that it's a surprise. We arrive to the classroom door, only to find that we are going to a Middle Eastern belly dancing class! Needless to say, it was quite a memory. We all participated, some of us got into it more than others-but most of all we had laughed a lot and had fun. I feel so blessed to have a family that still cherishes each other and makes these efforts to be together, I just wish I could be there for more of them.

I realize that I don't put forth the effort enough to go that extra little bit to try to change the ordinary into something extraordinary. To create a memory is far more memorable, than to merely wait for one. I hope in my near future to create many more memories with the people around me.

Part of the purpose of this trip is to visit my sweet sister in her new home in Johnson City, TN. I'm here now and am amazed at the life that she is creating. I'm so proud of her for taking a huge step of faith to move to a strange place and pursue what God has for her. (And I get to meet her guy tomorrow)

A new chapter

So yesterday I job shadowed with my infertility specialist-and it went exceptionally well! From the beginning the doctor introduced me to the patients as "our new nurse practitioner". They want me to manage the nursing staff, and then after training I will get to manage patient care including procedures. It sounds like its going to be a great combination of my skills-clinical and managerial. We worked out a schedule-Work Monday, Tuesday OFF Wednesday, Work Thursday, HALF day on Friday-it's a little more than part-time, but I will have a little more free time during the week. Is that not the perfect schedule? They asked when I could start-and I decided to take a little time off-so I said February 15. I'm just waiting for their official offer-salary etc., but it sounds like it's going to be a for sure thing. So I'm very excited, a little overwhelmed as I look at the learning curve ahead, but feeling truly blessed that yet again God provides better than I could have ever imagined.

Turned the corner

Unfortunately, because of my illness this week I wasn't able to job shadow on Thursday, so I'm going on Monday instead. I was thinking back to the last time I was this sick, and it was seven years ago. I was in college on Christmas break-which ironically was after a very stressful time. So my theory is that my immunity works really hard when I'm busy and can't afford to be sick, and then then the minute I stop and take a break, my immunity decides to go on vacation. Now granted, this theory does not come from my medical knowledge, only personal experience-so take it with a grain of salt.

Today I turned the corner, I woke up and felt like myself again. There is no greater feeling of wellness than after being sick. It makes me realize how often I take feeling well for granted.

Today a friend of mine came over and we scrapbooked together. This may sound strange to some, but it actually is a lot of fun, if you like scrapbooking of course. We didn't get a lot done, but we enjoyed using each other's stuff and talking. I realize that I have been scrapbooking for almost seven years, and in that time period I have collected A LOT of stuff. I am really enjoying getting to catch up on little projects. So far this week I organized our financial files and sorted out last year's paperwork, had digital pictures printed out for the past two years (Thank goodness for Costco photolab-600 pictures later!), and I have started scrapbooking again. I have a lot more projects and plans-as of yet I don't foresee getting bored being unemployed, but hopefully I won't be for very long. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy every minute of it!

I hate being sick!

Well, suffice it to say on Sunday I started coming down with a chest cold, usually my body is pretty good about fighting these off. Between working in an Emergency room and seeing sick patients all day, my immunity is pretty strong, but not this time.

The timing of it is somewhat ironic. I'm currently not working, so it gives me a great excuse to just sit on the couch and watch tv in between my naps. This typically bothers me because I feel like I'm not being productive, but given the circumstances I'm allowing myself to be the typical couch potato, until I'm well of course.

I really do hate being sick though! I know that nobody likes it, but I really hate it. I guess that's why I work at making others well. Anyway, it's been kind of nice to relax and get rest.

Pray for me on Thursday, I'm going to job shadow with my infertility specialist and discuss specifics. I'm really open to whatever the Lord may have for me in this next season of life, and I know He will reveal it to me. I don't want to just jump on the first thing that comes my way. I really want to know if it is where I belong. At the beginning of the year,I felt like this was going to be a year of truly learning to trust Him. Sometimes its hard, but in regards to my job I have a lot of peace that He has a great plan for me.

tagged!

Ok, Ok, you got me, here it goes.

The Rules: Write an Blog entry about 5 Guilty Pleasures.
In the end you need to choose
five people to be tagged and list their names.
1. Chocolate-need I say more.
2. Massages, pedicures, etc-Have to agree with Caroline on this one-they are amazing.
3. Time unaccounted for-you know those days that you have all to yourself. You wake up in the morning with little to no agenda and you get to do whatever you like. If you feel like staying home in your pajamas all day or if you just go shopping and buy something you don't really need... to do whatever you like, and no one can tell you otherwise. (Until your husband gets home and asks "what did you do today?") That's when the guilty part sets in.
4. sleeping in-I really wish I was a morning person, but I'm just not. I know that sleeping in isn't even a possibility for all my mommy friends, and soon sleeping in will no longer be an option-but for now, I will enjoy it.
5. Scrapbooking- I like it all from buying supplies, to putting it all together. Some people may not relate, but for me it is my creative outlet and a chance to preserve precious memories.

I'm tagging...Katie, Jackie, Kyle, Vang (if you read this), and whoever else may read this!

I've been released!

Well, as you may have read in my last post I have been feeling like I needed to make a job change, and have been in the process of pursuing other opportunities. The doctor I have been working with has been increasingly more difficult, and was consistently yelling at me for asking questions. Well yesterday after work, he pulled me into his office and fired me effective immediately. He said that I had the knowledge base and communication skills, but I lacked the confidence. He said that he wasn't in a position that could allow for my learning needs. Then came the moment that you have that pivotal decision-tell him how you really feel or be gracious and professional? I chose the latter, because I know that nothing would come from me telling him my feelings or opinion. I said that I understood, and I thanked him for the opportunity. I stood up to leave and went to shake his hand, and without even looking my way he just walked off.

I packed all my stuff up, said goodbye to the only employee left in the office, and I asked her to tell the other employees that I enjoyed working with them. She was in shock, and I was just wanting to get out of there. Of course, the initial sting is painful. No one likes to get fired, especially the first time. The further away from the office I went the more clear and peaceful the whole thing became.

If I wanted to blame anyone, I could probably blame my mom. She has been praying that I would get out of there, and that he would even fire me. If I would have given my notice, by my contract I was required to give 60 days notice. So God has truly delivered me from this situation, and I know that my mom's prayers and mine have been answered.

God reminded me that He always has a plan, and to just trust Him. Thirty minutes before he fired me, the physician that I have been talking to about working for called and asked if I could shadow him for a day and see if it was a good fit. At the time, I couldn't commit to a day, because I work 5 days a week. So he asked me to call him on Monday when I figured something out. Well now-I've got the whole week! God truly does work in mysterious ways. I don't know if this is where I will end up working, but I do think God was reminding me that it is going to be alright.

At first I felt like this was in someway a reflection on my abilities as a nurse practitioner, but I know that I do a good job. I don't have all the answers, but it's unrealistic to expect me to know everything only 6 months into it. Bottom line, it's a financial move for him. He can hire an experienced nurse practitiioner with a patient base, as opposed to holding onto me, a new grad who apparently asks too many questions, and who is trying to have a family. The reality is he never took the time to really teach me or listen to my questions and concerns and give me the confidence that I was asking for. I recognized that, and so I was trying to get out while I could. He just beat me to it.

Going through this, I realized the most painful part is feeling misunderstood. I don't worry so much about what he thinks, but I hate to think that my patients and co-workers will never really know why I'm not there anymore. Sometimes in life God asks us to be misunderstood, and I hate it, but I know that I have to just let it go and move on.

So life truly is changing. I don't know what is next, but I know that I'm going to enjoy the time I have been given and trust Him to provide.

Issues at hand

My last post's title was Life is always changing-but I never expanded on that, so here it goes. I have been working as a family nurse practitioner for the past 6 months, and lately I'm realizing that my current job isn't a great fit. I enjoy what I'm doing, however the doctor I work with is increasingly more difficult to work with. I don't really want to get into the specifics. I can handle the personal unprofessionalism, inappropriate comments, and unrealistic expectations, however, I cannot handle seeing the level of my patient's care being compromised. Not to mention that as a nurse practitioner, it's important to work for a physician who is supportive and really has your back. So I'm seriously looking into other options.

My infertility doctor has been asking me to come work for him for sometime, so I contacted them and am waiting to hear back. If I get the job, then I think I'm going to take it. I know that it doesn't look good to only be at a job for 7 months, and the loyalty part of me is saying don't quit. I have never quit a job without a really good reason like I'm moving or I've gotten a better degree. So it's hard for me to feel like this is a good enough reason to move on. Although, every person who I've talked to about the situation says that I should get out while I can. So I'm seriously considering this major job change. So just when you think life is settling, life changes again.

Another issue at hand-
Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like there was a theme? This past Thursday I felt like I came face to face with an issue that I usually don't have to think about too much. It started out with a 17 year old patient who found out she was pregnant, and was very excited about "having a baby". Turns out she was trying to get pregnant, unfortunately her boyfriend didn't realize this until it was too late. So one of my coworkers asked me how I was doing and so I was just being honest, and said that the hardest thing is talking to girls who have either just had or are planning to get an abortion. She then goes on to tell me that she had aborted twins, and that she would have been due now. My heart just sank. It was everything I could do to not just say 'but why, why didn't you give them up for adoption'? But I didn't, I graciously told her that I was sorry. I realized that her grief is so much worse than mine. I had to give my baby up, she didn't. She will always wonder, what if? Then I came home and watched the show ER, which by the way I think I'm really over. I've been watching the show since it's beginning and I keep watching really just to see how it ends. Sometimes the show likes to make political stands-and guess what political issue that they addressed-ABORTION. I couldn't believe it. Thankfully, in one day I was faced with a very sensitive issue on three different occasions, and I didn't crumble.

Although it absolutely infuriates me that there are some insurance companies that actually will pay for an abortion, but that don't cover infertility treatments. Our society will do everything possible to save a wanted fetus, but will make it as easy as possible to kill an unwanted baby. If only our society made it easier to give the child up for adoption or help the mom raise the baby herself. I've always been against abortion, but now that all I want is a baby-I grieve the loss of this unborn generation so much deeper.

Life is always changing!

So the past few days have been better. I've given myself time to cry and work through the process. This may sound silly to some, but I'm even working on a scrapbook for the baby. I was realizing that I really don't have anything for this baby, so I thought what would I do normally-a baby book. It has been very therapeutic for me, although I'm sure some might think that it's a little extreme. But it's not really for other people, it's for me, and that is why I'm doing it.

Happy New Year!

I must admit that yesterday was a difficult day. I realized that I had been busying myself the past 2 days, and I finally slowed down. I was taking Christmas decorations down, and somehow found myself extremely emotional. I'm sure there is some correlation between acknowledging Christmas as over and simultaneously acknowledging this pregnancy as over.

I know that God has given me a peace of mind-I know that we will get pregnany again, I know that this was all in God's plan, I know all of those things, but....

my heart is broken. I've not only lost the hope of pregnancy and having a baby in nine months, but I've lost my first child. It's a child that I will never hold, a child that I will never even see his/her face-and not just any child, but our child.

I know that God will make me whole again, but in the meantime I'm giving myself permission to grieve. It's alright to cry and to feel sad, and even at times to be angry, as long as I am always bringing my emotions in line with my peace. And that I believe is the process of true healing for me.

Kyle and I spent New Year's babysitting, which meant we basically sat on the couch together and watched the ball drop-obviously not very exciting or very momentous, but I thing that we both were okay with a somewhat boring strike of the New Year. However, we awoke this morning and went over to our friend's house for breakfast. We relaxed, ate, took naps, and then decided we were hungry again. So then the whole group moved to someone else's house for pizza. After a while of hanging out there, we decided it was time for a movie, so everyone packed up and headed to our house for a movie and taco soup. By the end of the day, we had a spontaneous all-day progressive New Year's that included three different homes and three meals. I don't think we could have planned it if we tried, but somehow it became one of the sweetest and most enjoyable New Year's Day's that I can remember.