Wednesday, November 30, 2005
And.....Breathe!
For the past few days I have been holding my breath, and today was the biggest sigh of relief. Our prayers have been answered and promises fulfilled-WE ARE PREGNANT! It's been a long three year journey, but it is totally worth every moment. Now a new journey begins, no longer a temporary one, but this one is for life. I feel so blessed and honored that God has heard my prayers. What I feel is Pure Joy! Thank you to everyone who has walked this out with us. Your prayers, tears, encouragement, and love have truly been life to me.
Sunday, November 20, 2005
I'm so excited!
Do you ever have those times in your life that you find yourself smiling for no reason? Then when you stop to think about it, you realize that you just feel excited. Lately I've been finding myself smiling a lot. It's a combination of a lot of things. One of which is the obvious hope of pregnancy. I'm so excited and hope so much that this is it, that I have to remind myself that I haven't seen the two lines just yet. Secondly, I absolutely love this time of year. I love knowing that I have great times and memories ahead with both friends and family. During the holidays, there is a scent of celebration in the air that encourages me. Some people get very stressed out over the holidays, and believe me there have been times I have felt that stress. I've always felt that even amidst all the busyness of shopping, parties, and travelling, that there is an underlying current of joy. If you get too caught up in the river of hustle and bustle then you can easily miss out on the whole purpose. Underneath it all-it's a time to celebrate our faith and family, and that brings a smile to my face.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Day 16 IUI
Today is a good day! We went in for the intrauterine insemination, and at first the nurse couldn't get through the cervix. Then the doctor tried and he was having trouble. As the doctor is shaking his head not knowing what to do, I tell Kyle "the Red Sea parted", and my doctor asks what I said. I tell him "I was hoping that if God could part the Red Sea then He could part my cervix!" Just as I said that, he got the catheter through.
Another recent confirmation of the promise God has given-Last week I was feeling kind of frustrated so I decided to listen to the Bible on the Ipod. Without thinking, I randomly chose 1 Samuel. As I listened to Hannah's story of God opening her womb, I was reminded that just as God gave Hannah her son Samuel, God was going to give me my child. It was a great moment of remembering the promise. I know without a doubt that God is going to give me children. Some women in my situation question whether or not they are supposed to be a mother. I know I'm supposed to be a mother, it's just a matter of timing.
My mom told me today that my Aunt Carole woke up last night and felt like our pregnancy was going to be the family's Christmas gift. She didn't even know we were doing the insemination today.
God is so faithful to remind us of His promise through the process. I'm extremely excited and hopeful that we are pregnant. Honestly, there is a part of me that is scared to even say that, but I really want to take a step of faith and truly believe that God is going to fulfill His promise.
Another recent confirmation of the promise God has given-Last week I was feeling kind of frustrated so I decided to listen to the Bible on the Ipod. Without thinking, I randomly chose 1 Samuel. As I listened to Hannah's story of God opening her womb, I was reminded that just as God gave Hannah her son Samuel, God was going to give me my child. It was a great moment of remembering the promise. I know without a doubt that God is going to give me children. Some women in my situation question whether or not they are supposed to be a mother. I know I'm supposed to be a mother, it's just a matter of timing.
My mom told me today that my Aunt Carole woke up last night and felt like our pregnancy was going to be the family's Christmas gift. She didn't even know we were doing the insemination today.
God is so faithful to remind us of His promise through the process. I'm extremely excited and hopeful that we are pregnant. Honestly, there is a part of me that is scared to even say that, but I really want to take a step of faith and truly believe that God is going to fulfill His promise.
Monday, November 14, 2005
day 10-15
This whole process is such a waiting game.
Day 10 Ultrasound to see if I am responding to the Clomid. Unfortunately, the follicles aren't as big as we would like. So we wait and repeat the ultrasound in two days.
Day 11 Charysse had her surgery-It was so hard not being there. As a nurse, I always feel inclined to be the nurse when a family member is sick, especially hospitalized. Although I think my husband would disagree. When he is sick, he thinks that I minimize his symptoms. It's not that I don't care, when you see sick people all day, it's sometimes hard to feel overly compassionate, but I'm trying.
Day 12 Repeat ultrasound
Unfortunately, the follicles are still not as big as we would like. So we wait until Monday for another ultrasound. Basically we want the most ideal environment, and hopefully we will get it. So I start checking for my LH surge everyday to see if I'm ovulating, and again wait. Oh and he put me on estrogen to help encourage my endometrium. I've always been concerned that that might be a contributing factor. Even though I have yet to find any literature supporting this, it just doesn't seem normal to have periods that only last 24-48 hours. Although it is nice, I don't think it is helping my cause.
Day 13
Garage sale today
Some of the Relevant gang came to scout out the neighborhood. Kyle and I put out our stuff at 7:30 and by 11:30 we were loading it up to Goodwill. At some point you realize that it just isn't worth your time to sit out there and hope that maybe somebody would give you a few dollars for your already unwanted items. So ironically its a combination of generosity and selfishness that sets in. Selfish side says I have better things to do, generous side says Goodwill can use this stuff.
Day 14 church day
Our Sunday's are always full-but it's a full that is good. I get to spend the whole day with my husband, and we get to hang out with friends. The saddest part though is that I had to say goodbye to our sweet friends the Jacksons. Elizabeth has been such a good friend to me, and I'm going to miss our long talks. And I'm really going to miss that Owen guy-that smile and laugh just makes you melt. He is going to grow up so fast, and I hate that I won't be around to see it.
On another note-we have asked our cell groups to partner with us in prayer these next few weeks and believe that this baby is going to be conceived this time. The support of my friends and family is sometimes overwhelming. I sometimes don't know how to respond to the generous support and encouragement, but it's always helpful.
Day 15 LH surge
Woke up this morning to find those two lines exactly the same meaning I will ovulate within the next 24-36 hours. So I called my doctor and told him "it's time". Now I get to skip the ultrasound today, and go tomorrow for the artificial insemination. I'm really hoping that there will be no problems, that my cervix would be open and it would be painfree. I gave myself the HCG shot this morning, which tells my body to go ahead and release the egg. It's really weird giving yourself a shot. It makes me a little more compassionate for my diabetic patients.
Day 10 Ultrasound to see if I am responding to the Clomid. Unfortunately, the follicles aren't as big as we would like. So we wait and repeat the ultrasound in two days.
Day 11 Charysse had her surgery-It was so hard not being there. As a nurse, I always feel inclined to be the nurse when a family member is sick, especially hospitalized. Although I think my husband would disagree. When he is sick, he thinks that I minimize his symptoms. It's not that I don't care, when you see sick people all day, it's sometimes hard to feel overly compassionate, but I'm trying.
Day 12 Repeat ultrasound
Unfortunately, the follicles are still not as big as we would like. So we wait until Monday for another ultrasound. Basically we want the most ideal environment, and hopefully we will get it. So I start checking for my LH surge everyday to see if I'm ovulating, and again wait. Oh and he put me on estrogen to help encourage my endometrium. I've always been concerned that that might be a contributing factor. Even though I have yet to find any literature supporting this, it just doesn't seem normal to have periods that only last 24-48 hours. Although it is nice, I don't think it is helping my cause.
Day 13
Garage sale today
Some of the Relevant gang came to scout out the neighborhood. Kyle and I put out our stuff at 7:30 and by 11:30 we were loading it up to Goodwill. At some point you realize that it just isn't worth your time to sit out there and hope that maybe somebody would give you a few dollars for your already unwanted items. So ironically its a combination of generosity and selfishness that sets in. Selfish side says I have better things to do, generous side says Goodwill can use this stuff.
Day 14 church day
Our Sunday's are always full-but it's a full that is good. I get to spend the whole day with my husband, and we get to hang out with friends. The saddest part though is that I had to say goodbye to our sweet friends the Jacksons. Elizabeth has been such a good friend to me, and I'm going to miss our long talks. And I'm really going to miss that Owen guy-that smile and laugh just makes you melt. He is going to grow up so fast, and I hate that I won't be around to see it.
On another note-we have asked our cell groups to partner with us in prayer these next few weeks and believe that this baby is going to be conceived this time. The support of my friends and family is sometimes overwhelming. I sometimes don't know how to respond to the generous support and encouragement, but it's always helpful.
Day 15 LH surge
Woke up this morning to find those two lines exactly the same meaning I will ovulate within the next 24-36 hours. So I called my doctor and told him "it's time". Now I get to skip the ultrasound today, and go tomorrow for the artificial insemination. I'm really hoping that there will be no problems, that my cervix would be open and it would be painfree. I gave myself the HCG shot this morning, which tells my body to go ahead and release the egg. It's really weird giving yourself a shot. It makes me a little more compassionate for my diabetic patients.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Day 8 & 9
Day 8
Well today has been so busy at work, and I am tired. I woke up early (4:45 early) to take my parents to the airport, so it's been a long day. We had cell group tonight, and I must admit my expectations and anticipation level were very low. Then my wonderful husband had a really good word about being a cheerful giver. 2 Corinthians 9:8 "His grace abound toward you". It was a great reminder of how God gives us an abundant grace for everything we are called to do. We have hope!!
Then Kyle wanted to share with everyone our process this month and asked everyone to agree with us in prayer. I don't mind people knowing, but all the questions just makes it harder somehow. That's why blogging will be good,-because then I won't have to recap over and over my feelings of disappointment-but you better believe that if it's not disappointing I will probably be screaming it from the mountaintops.
Day 9
This morning I was reminded of a curse that was spoken over me that needed to be broken. As I was checking out of my doctor's office last week, the receptionist who takes care of billing said to me, "well, I might as well start an in vitro file for you" as if she knew that artificial insemination wouldn't work. So in the name of Jesus I declare that I don't need an in vitro file-that this is going to work this time.
Tomorrow I go for another ultrasound to see if my ovaries produced follicles. If so, then everything is a go!
Well today has been so busy at work, and I am tired. I woke up early (4:45 early) to take my parents to the airport, so it's been a long day. We had cell group tonight, and I must admit my expectations and anticipation level were very low. Then my wonderful husband had a really good word about being a cheerful giver. 2 Corinthians 9:8 "His grace abound toward you". It was a great reminder of how God gives us an abundant grace for everything we are called to do. We have hope!!
Then Kyle wanted to share with everyone our process this month and asked everyone to agree with us in prayer. I don't mind people knowing, but all the questions just makes it harder somehow. That's why blogging will be good,-because then I won't have to recap over and over my feelings of disappointment-but you better believe that if it's not disappointing I will probably be screaming it from the mountaintops.
Day 9
This morning I was reminded of a curse that was spoken over me that needed to be broken. As I was checking out of my doctor's office last week, the receptionist who takes care of billing said to me, "well, I might as well start an in vitro file for you" as if she knew that artificial insemination wouldn't work. So in the name of Jesus I declare that I don't need an in vitro file-that this is going to work this time.
Tomorrow I go for another ultrasound to see if my ovaries produced follicles. If so, then everything is a go!
Monday, November 07, 2005
Day 7
It has been so nice having family around this weekend. We all went to church together, and the service was amazing. It was one of Pastor's best sermons, but it was more than what he said. The presence of the spirit was so evident, and it was powerful to experience a move of the Holy Spirit with our family. Then at the end, as Pastor was dismissing the congregation, he flippantly says "and that baby is coming!" Kyle and I both, as well as my mom, immediatly teared up. It was like he said it right at us, and I believe that through the Holy Spirit he did.
It feels so much better to be hopeful even at the risk of major disappointment, then to feel stagnant and safe. Going through this round gives me a lot of hope that maybe it will work this time.
It was sad to see our family leave, especially my sister. She moved to East Tennessee just a few months ago, and is going through culture shock. It is so hard to find friends and community when you move to a new area, especially when you are literally starting from scratch. I know that God has called her there, and it's just a matter of time until she finds that sense of belonging there. I am so proud of her though, she has truly stepped out of every comfort zone and surrendered to God's will for her life. Stay the course sis! You'll make it.
I'll admit it-I really like watching Grey's Anatomy. Last week was good-although I'm torn whether or not Dr. McDreamy should stay with his wife. From the spiritual side of things I guess he should, but then there is the emotional side that really wants him and Meredith to get back together. I hate it when media lures my flesh in such a way that contradicts what I truly believe. I think it happens more often than I even realize-which is a reminder to stay guarded.
It feels so much better to be hopeful even at the risk of major disappointment, then to feel stagnant and safe. Going through this round gives me a lot of hope that maybe it will work this time.
It was sad to see our family leave, especially my sister. She moved to East Tennessee just a few months ago, and is going through culture shock. It is so hard to find friends and community when you move to a new area, especially when you are literally starting from scratch. I know that God has called her there, and it's just a matter of time until she finds that sense of belonging there. I am so proud of her though, she has truly stepped out of every comfort zone and surrendered to God's will for her life. Stay the course sis! You'll make it.
I'll admit it-I really like watching Grey's Anatomy. Last week was good-although I'm torn whether or not Dr. McDreamy should stay with his wife. From the spiritual side of things I guess he should, but then there is the emotional side that really wants him and Meredith to get back together. I hate it when media lures my flesh in such a way that contradicts what I truly believe. I think it happens more often than I even realize-which is a reminder to stay guarded.
Saturday, November 05, 2005
Day 5 & 6
Day 5 started out with a roar-I went to work my half day and all of the sudden everyone decided they needed to be seen. Usually I see 8-11 patients in a morning-I saw 15 yesterday! Needless to say-it was extremely busy.
I then came home and prepared for my husband's not-so surprise 30th birthday party. Everything worked out perfectly. Sometimes when I plan an event, I have certain unspoken expectations that often aren't met, but this time they were met. I wanted everything to be perfect for his 30th birthday-and the evening was exactly what I had expected!
Because he found out about the party, it made planning it so much easier. I think it was God's way of lightening the load for me. Oh and he found out because of a number of things- 1st he was looking around my office for some paperwork of his, and found my invite list. Then he was going to ask for a half day off on Friday to spend with my parents, and I told him that he needed to reserve those requests for our upcoming doctor's appointments. After my huge breakdown, he caught me at a very weak moment and just asked "Are you planning a party on Friday?" I was in shock, I didn't even answer. I knew then that he knew. What's the point of throwing a surprise party if it's no longer a surprise. So after a few tears, I realized that it was probably better that he knew.
Day 6
So today it is official-I'm married to a 30 year old man. Hee-Hee :)
Happy Birthday baby! I love you so much, and I hope that on day's like today you know how very loved and appreciated you are by everyone around you. I'm glad I will be around for the next 30.
Baby talk- Still taking Clomid 100 mg and prenatal vitamins--and just waiting for my follow-up ultrasound on day 10 to see if my ovaries have responded to the medication.
I then came home and prepared for my husband's not-so surprise 30th birthday party. Everything worked out perfectly. Sometimes when I plan an event, I have certain unspoken expectations that often aren't met, but this time they were met. I wanted everything to be perfect for his 30th birthday-and the evening was exactly what I had expected!
Because he found out about the party, it made planning it so much easier. I think it was God's way of lightening the load for me. Oh and he found out because of a number of things- 1st he was looking around my office for some paperwork of his, and found my invite list. Then he was going to ask for a half day off on Friday to spend with my parents, and I told him that he needed to reserve those requests for our upcoming doctor's appointments. After my huge breakdown, he caught me at a very weak moment and just asked "Are you planning a party on Friday?" I was in shock, I didn't even answer. I knew then that he knew. What's the point of throwing a surprise party if it's no longer a surprise. So after a few tears, I realized that it was probably better that he knew.
Day 6
So today it is official-I'm married to a 30 year old man. Hee-Hee :)
Happy Birthday baby! I love you so much, and I hope that on day's like today you know how very loved and appreciated you are by everyone around you. I'm glad I will be around for the next 30.
Baby talk- Still taking Clomid 100 mg and prenatal vitamins--and just waiting for my follow-up ultrasound on day 10 to see if my ovaries have responded to the medication.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Day 4
Well I just got back from the airport and picked up my parents and sister! Yeah!!!
It is going to be a fun and memorable weekend.
Unfortunately, the surprise party I planned for my husband is no longer a surprise, but at least it's still a party with a "few" of our closest friends.
As far as Day 4 goes, I'm taking Clomid 100mg-not feeling any effects yet and of course my prenatal vitamins. I am figuring out that I can somewhat gauge my hope for pregnancy factor by the consistency of my taking prenatal vitamins. If I think I may get pregnant-I am very deligent and conscientious about taking them, and then there are times that I don't take any (subconsciously thinking what's the point)? Hmmm...discovering strange behavior about yourself is always enlightening.
It is going to be a fun and memorable weekend.
Unfortunately, the surprise party I planned for my husband is no longer a surprise, but at least it's still a party with a "few" of our closest friends.
As far as Day 4 goes, I'm taking Clomid 100mg-not feeling any effects yet and of course my prenatal vitamins. I am figuring out that I can somewhat gauge my hope for pregnancy factor by the consistency of my taking prenatal vitamins. If I think I may get pregnant-I am very deligent and conscientious about taking them, and then there are times that I don't take any (subconsciously thinking what's the point)? Hmmm...discovering strange behavior about yourself is always enlightening.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Day 3
Started Clomid 100 mg D3-D7
Good news! My doctor did a trial transfer-and he got through!!! This means that I hopefully won't have to have my cervix dilated for the real insemination. Since last time's disappointment, I have been praying that since God can part the Red Sea, then He sure can part my cervix. And it looks like He did!! So now we take the hormones--which unfortunately make me have hot flashes and gain weight. But right now, I'm willing to do just about anything for this baby. One thing that walking through this process has given me is this overwhelming love for a child that hasn't even been conceived yet. Even if it's not our genetic child, I still have this deep desire to hold my baby. If I think about it too long it brings me to tears. So onto something else...
I got a job offer today from my infertility doctor--hmmmm? I guess it's something to think and pray about. I'm always open to God's possibilities.
My family is coming into town tomorrow night, and I am so excited about seeing them. It has been a while since we have all been together, and a really long time since both of our parents are together, so it will be a weekend of pure fun!
Good news! My doctor did a trial transfer-and he got through!!! This means that I hopefully won't have to have my cervix dilated for the real insemination. Since last time's disappointment, I have been praying that since God can part the Red Sea, then He sure can part my cervix. And it looks like He did!! So now we take the hormones--which unfortunately make me have hot flashes and gain weight. But right now, I'm willing to do just about anything for this baby. One thing that walking through this process has given me is this overwhelming love for a child that hasn't even been conceived yet. Even if it's not our genetic child, I still have this deep desire to hold my baby. If I think about it too long it brings me to tears. So onto something else...
I got a job offer today from my infertility doctor--hmmmm? I guess it's something to think and pray about. I'm always open to God's possibilities.
My family is coming into town tomorrow night, and I am so excited about seeing them. It has been a while since we have all been together, and a really long time since both of our parents are together, so it will be a weekend of pure fun!
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Day 2
I've spent the past few days getting my house ready for my in-laws and my parents coming to town. There is nothing like company to inspire you to get those projects done that you've been wanting to do, but just haven't found the time.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my infertility specialist. I'm looking forward to going and making a game plan. I think he will probably do an ultrasound to check my ovaries to see if there looking good for ovulation. I pray they look great!
As a woman we have to have the dreaded pelvic exam done. At first I was insistent that only a woman do it. Now having to go through all of this-I really don't care as long as they know what they are doing. I still don't like having to do it-but let's be honest-who does?
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my infertility specialist. I'm looking forward to going and making a game plan. I think he will probably do an ultrasound to check my ovaries to see if there looking good for ovulation. I pray they look great!
As a woman we have to have the dreaded pelvic exam done. At first I was insistent that only a woman do it. Now having to go through all of this-I really don't care as long as they know what they are doing. I still don't like having to do it-but let's be honest-who does?
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