Nashvegas!

Now that I'm"in between" jobs, I have been able to go to Tennessee and visit family and friends. The women in my extended family have a tradition of getting together, known as the "Chapman Women Hoodalihoo", about once a month and having dinner. Well my Aunt Jen decided to spice things up a bit and told us to wear tennis shoes and a tight fitting shirt. So Jen picked us up and wouldn't tell us anything about where we were going. We arrived to the University School of Nashville, where we asked the parking guy what was going on tonight and of course he responded with the very vague answer of "some plays and classes". We then walk into the building and Jen discreetly shows the guy at the front desk which class we are attending, and tells him that it's a surprise. We arrive to the classroom door, only to find that we are going to a Middle Eastern belly dancing class! Needless to say, it was quite a memory. We all participated, some of us got into it more than others-but most of all we had laughed a lot and had fun. I feel so blessed to have a family that still cherishes each other and makes these efforts to be together, I just wish I could be there for more of them.

I realize that I don't put forth the effort enough to go that extra little bit to try to change the ordinary into something extraordinary. To create a memory is far more memorable, than to merely wait for one. I hope in my near future to create many more memories with the people around me.

Part of the purpose of this trip is to visit my sweet sister in her new home in Johnson City, TN. I'm here now and am amazed at the life that she is creating. I'm so proud of her for taking a huge step of faith to move to a strange place and pursue what God has for her. (And I get to meet her guy tomorrow)

A new chapter

So yesterday I job shadowed with my infertility specialist-and it went exceptionally well! From the beginning the doctor introduced me to the patients as "our new nurse practitioner". They want me to manage the nursing staff, and then after training I will get to manage patient care including procedures. It sounds like its going to be a great combination of my skills-clinical and managerial. We worked out a schedule-Work Monday, Tuesday OFF Wednesday, Work Thursday, HALF day on Friday-it's a little more than part-time, but I will have a little more free time during the week. Is that not the perfect schedule? They asked when I could start-and I decided to take a little time off-so I said February 15. I'm just waiting for their official offer-salary etc., but it sounds like it's going to be a for sure thing. So I'm very excited, a little overwhelmed as I look at the learning curve ahead, but feeling truly blessed that yet again God provides better than I could have ever imagined.

Turned the corner

Unfortunately, because of my illness this week I wasn't able to job shadow on Thursday, so I'm going on Monday instead. I was thinking back to the last time I was this sick, and it was seven years ago. I was in college on Christmas break-which ironically was after a very stressful time. So my theory is that my immunity works really hard when I'm busy and can't afford to be sick, and then then the minute I stop and take a break, my immunity decides to go on vacation. Now granted, this theory does not come from my medical knowledge, only personal experience-so take it with a grain of salt.

Today I turned the corner, I woke up and felt like myself again. There is no greater feeling of wellness than after being sick. It makes me realize how often I take feeling well for granted.

Today a friend of mine came over and we scrapbooked together. This may sound strange to some, but it actually is a lot of fun, if you like scrapbooking of course. We didn't get a lot done, but we enjoyed using each other's stuff and talking. I realize that I have been scrapbooking for almost seven years, and in that time period I have collected A LOT of stuff. I am really enjoying getting to catch up on little projects. So far this week I organized our financial files and sorted out last year's paperwork, had digital pictures printed out for the past two years (Thank goodness for Costco photolab-600 pictures later!), and I have started scrapbooking again. I have a lot more projects and plans-as of yet I don't foresee getting bored being unemployed, but hopefully I won't be for very long. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy every minute of it!

I hate being sick!

Well, suffice it to say on Sunday I started coming down with a chest cold, usually my body is pretty good about fighting these off. Between working in an Emergency room and seeing sick patients all day, my immunity is pretty strong, but not this time.

The timing of it is somewhat ironic. I'm currently not working, so it gives me a great excuse to just sit on the couch and watch tv in between my naps. This typically bothers me because I feel like I'm not being productive, but given the circumstances I'm allowing myself to be the typical couch potato, until I'm well of course.

I really do hate being sick though! I know that nobody likes it, but I really hate it. I guess that's why I work at making others well. Anyway, it's been kind of nice to relax and get rest.

Pray for me on Thursday, I'm going to job shadow with my infertility specialist and discuss specifics. I'm really open to whatever the Lord may have for me in this next season of life, and I know He will reveal it to me. I don't want to just jump on the first thing that comes my way. I really want to know if it is where I belong. At the beginning of the year,I felt like this was going to be a year of truly learning to trust Him. Sometimes its hard, but in regards to my job I have a lot of peace that He has a great plan for me.

tagged!

Ok, Ok, you got me, here it goes.

The Rules: Write an Blog entry about 5 Guilty Pleasures.
In the end you need to choose
five people to be tagged and list their names.
1. Chocolate-need I say more.
2. Massages, pedicures, etc-Have to agree with Caroline on this one-they are amazing.
3. Time unaccounted for-you know those days that you have all to yourself. You wake up in the morning with little to no agenda and you get to do whatever you like. If you feel like staying home in your pajamas all day or if you just go shopping and buy something you don't really need... to do whatever you like, and no one can tell you otherwise. (Until your husband gets home and asks "what did you do today?") That's when the guilty part sets in.
4. sleeping in-I really wish I was a morning person, but I'm just not. I know that sleeping in isn't even a possibility for all my mommy friends, and soon sleeping in will no longer be an option-but for now, I will enjoy it.
5. Scrapbooking- I like it all from buying supplies, to putting it all together. Some people may not relate, but for me it is my creative outlet and a chance to preserve precious memories.

I'm tagging...Katie, Jackie, Kyle, Vang (if you read this), and whoever else may read this!

I've been released!

Well, as you may have read in my last post I have been feeling like I needed to make a job change, and have been in the process of pursuing other opportunities. The doctor I have been working with has been increasingly more difficult, and was consistently yelling at me for asking questions. Well yesterday after work, he pulled me into his office and fired me effective immediately. He said that I had the knowledge base and communication skills, but I lacked the confidence. He said that he wasn't in a position that could allow for my learning needs. Then came the moment that you have that pivotal decision-tell him how you really feel or be gracious and professional? I chose the latter, because I know that nothing would come from me telling him my feelings or opinion. I said that I understood, and I thanked him for the opportunity. I stood up to leave and went to shake his hand, and without even looking my way he just walked off.

I packed all my stuff up, said goodbye to the only employee left in the office, and I asked her to tell the other employees that I enjoyed working with them. She was in shock, and I was just wanting to get out of there. Of course, the initial sting is painful. No one likes to get fired, especially the first time. The further away from the office I went the more clear and peaceful the whole thing became.

If I wanted to blame anyone, I could probably blame my mom. She has been praying that I would get out of there, and that he would even fire me. If I would have given my notice, by my contract I was required to give 60 days notice. So God has truly delivered me from this situation, and I know that my mom's prayers and mine have been answered.

God reminded me that He always has a plan, and to just trust Him. Thirty minutes before he fired me, the physician that I have been talking to about working for called and asked if I could shadow him for a day and see if it was a good fit. At the time, I couldn't commit to a day, because I work 5 days a week. So he asked me to call him on Monday when I figured something out. Well now-I've got the whole week! God truly does work in mysterious ways. I don't know if this is where I will end up working, but I do think God was reminding me that it is going to be alright.

At first I felt like this was in someway a reflection on my abilities as a nurse practitioner, but I know that I do a good job. I don't have all the answers, but it's unrealistic to expect me to know everything only 6 months into it. Bottom line, it's a financial move for him. He can hire an experienced nurse practitiioner with a patient base, as opposed to holding onto me, a new grad who apparently asks too many questions, and who is trying to have a family. The reality is he never took the time to really teach me or listen to my questions and concerns and give me the confidence that I was asking for. I recognized that, and so I was trying to get out while I could. He just beat me to it.

Going through this, I realized the most painful part is feeling misunderstood. I don't worry so much about what he thinks, but I hate to think that my patients and co-workers will never really know why I'm not there anymore. Sometimes in life God asks us to be misunderstood, and I hate it, but I know that I have to just let it go and move on.

So life truly is changing. I don't know what is next, but I know that I'm going to enjoy the time I have been given and trust Him to provide.

Issues at hand

My last post's title was Life is always changing-but I never expanded on that, so here it goes. I have been working as a family nurse practitioner for the past 6 months, and lately I'm realizing that my current job isn't a great fit. I enjoy what I'm doing, however the doctor I work with is increasingly more difficult to work with. I don't really want to get into the specifics. I can handle the personal unprofessionalism, inappropriate comments, and unrealistic expectations, however, I cannot handle seeing the level of my patient's care being compromised. Not to mention that as a nurse practitioner, it's important to work for a physician who is supportive and really has your back. So I'm seriously looking into other options.

My infertility doctor has been asking me to come work for him for sometime, so I contacted them and am waiting to hear back. If I get the job, then I think I'm going to take it. I know that it doesn't look good to only be at a job for 7 months, and the loyalty part of me is saying don't quit. I have never quit a job without a really good reason like I'm moving or I've gotten a better degree. So it's hard for me to feel like this is a good enough reason to move on. Although, every person who I've talked to about the situation says that I should get out while I can. So I'm seriously considering this major job change. So just when you think life is settling, life changes again.

Another issue at hand-
Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like there was a theme? This past Thursday I felt like I came face to face with an issue that I usually don't have to think about too much. It started out with a 17 year old patient who found out she was pregnant, and was very excited about "having a baby". Turns out she was trying to get pregnant, unfortunately her boyfriend didn't realize this until it was too late. So one of my coworkers asked me how I was doing and so I was just being honest, and said that the hardest thing is talking to girls who have either just had or are planning to get an abortion. She then goes on to tell me that she had aborted twins, and that she would have been due now. My heart just sank. It was everything I could do to not just say 'but why, why didn't you give them up for adoption'? But I didn't, I graciously told her that I was sorry. I realized that her grief is so much worse than mine. I had to give my baby up, she didn't. She will always wonder, what if? Then I came home and watched the show ER, which by the way I think I'm really over. I've been watching the show since it's beginning and I keep watching really just to see how it ends. Sometimes the show likes to make political stands-and guess what political issue that they addressed-ABORTION. I couldn't believe it. Thankfully, in one day I was faced with a very sensitive issue on three different occasions, and I didn't crumble.

Although it absolutely infuriates me that there are some insurance companies that actually will pay for an abortion, but that don't cover infertility treatments. Our society will do everything possible to save a wanted fetus, but will make it as easy as possible to kill an unwanted baby. If only our society made it easier to give the child up for adoption or help the mom raise the baby herself. I've always been against abortion, but now that all I want is a baby-I grieve the loss of this unborn generation so much deeper.

Life is always changing!

So the past few days have been better. I've given myself time to cry and work through the process. This may sound silly to some, but I'm even working on a scrapbook for the baby. I was realizing that I really don't have anything for this baby, so I thought what would I do normally-a baby book. It has been very therapeutic for me, although I'm sure some might think that it's a little extreme. But it's not really for other people, it's for me, and that is why I'm doing it.

Happy New Year!

I must admit that yesterday was a difficult day. I realized that I had been busying myself the past 2 days, and I finally slowed down. I was taking Christmas decorations down, and somehow found myself extremely emotional. I'm sure there is some correlation between acknowledging Christmas as over and simultaneously acknowledging this pregnancy as over.

I know that God has given me a peace of mind-I know that we will get pregnany again, I know that this was all in God's plan, I know all of those things, but....

my heart is broken. I've not only lost the hope of pregnancy and having a baby in nine months, but I've lost my first child. It's a child that I will never hold, a child that I will never even see his/her face-and not just any child, but our child.

I know that God will make me whole again, but in the meantime I'm giving myself permission to grieve. It's alright to cry and to feel sad, and even at times to be angry, as long as I am always bringing my emotions in line with my peace. And that I believe is the process of true healing for me.

Kyle and I spent New Year's babysitting, which meant we basically sat on the couch together and watched the ball drop-obviously not very exciting or very momentous, but I thing that we both were okay with a somewhat boring strike of the New Year. However, we awoke this morning and went over to our friend's house for breakfast. We relaxed, ate, took naps, and then decided we were hungry again. So then the whole group moved to someone else's house for pizza. After a while of hanging out there, we decided it was time for a movie, so everyone packed up and headed to our house for a movie and taco soup. By the end of the day, we had a spontaneous all-day progressive New Year's that included three different homes and three meals. I don't think we could have planned it if we tried, but somehow it became one of the sweetest and most enjoyable New Year's Day's that I can remember.