Bringing in the New Year

As I look back at this past year, so much has happened. I know myself well enough that if I don't purposely allow myself the grieving process, that I will let life get busy and just keep going. So I plan to give myself this weekend to do just that. Not that I can put a deadline on the process, but just giving the process time is important.

I'm so excited about the new year, 2006. I truly believe that it will be the year that my promise is fulfilled. God is so amazing. Within the past 2 days, I have had two different friends from college contact me, and I haven't talked to either of them in years. They both were just thinking about me and decided to find out how I was doing. It reminds me that when I'm thinking about someone, that it's probably not just me, but that God has placed them on my mind for a reason.

Something fun and random-my parents-in-laws gave me money for Christmas and at first I didn't know what to do with it. I started thinking about what I would enjoy having that I wouldn't necessarily go buy myself. Then I thought about my china set. I have always been one to enjoy setting a nice table, so over the years I've tried to slowly complete my collection. I drove down to the Lenox outlet store, only to find they were going out of business-which means major markdowns. I was able to get everything to complete a 12-piece place setting and the gravy boat as a bonus for very reasonable prices.

Today is the day of taking down Christmas. This is always sad for me, because I love Christmas so much, and I love how festive the house feels when it's decorated. One thing I'm learning though, is it will be here again before you know it.

And this ride ends...

Well today we woke up early and went for a more thorough ultrasound at the hospital. The ultrasound technician thought she saw something near the right ovary, and was concerned that it may be an ectopic pregnancy, aka "tubal". So we went to the fetal diagnostic center and the radiologist himself did another ultrasound.

It's funny how your prayers change so quickly. One minute I'm praying for a miracle, then the next minute I'm praying that my fallopian tubes are saved.

Good news-there is no tubal pregnancy... Bad news-the radiologist confirmed that there was 0% chance for this pregnancy. Seeing that in the past week there has been no change is the confirmation that I needed. So my infertility specialist scheduled me for surgery at 1pm today.

Again I was reminded of the previous waiting room phrase, I literally spent all morning in a waiting room. I thought that I would be extremely nervous, but I wasn't. I totally felt at peace and the grace was more than enough.

The nurses and doctors were all amazing. The actual surgery is a breeze for me. Breathe deep, breathe deep... and the next thing you know they are telling you to wake up. I woke up crying, not because I was in any pain, but because I knew that it really was over.

I have to take it easy for the next couple of days, and my husband is being a wonderfully attentive caretaker. Surprisingly enough, so far I've not had any pain or cramping. Again God's grace is sufficient.

Thank you to all who have made this journey with us. Your prayers and support are a lifeline to us.

Another big day!

Well today we went for our repeat ultrasound, and as far as the doctor can tell there has no change. He terms it as a "anembryonic pregnancy", meaning that a fertilized egg implanted, but never grew to become an embryo. So he recommended a D&C tomorrow. So after discussing the risks and reasons we scheduled the procedure at Arnold Palmer tomorrow.

Then later this afternoon, the nurse called with my hormone level results-they are going up! So now the doctor wants to get a better ultrasound done at the hospital first thing in the morning. What does all this mean? Well it either means what we originally thought, that this isn't a viable pregnancy and we will proceed with the D&C, or it means that it may be an ectopic pregnancy which is an entirely different issue, or the best possibility is that God is performing a miracle.

Obviously, I would love the latter, but I'm at peace with the other possibilities. I have realized that having faith is not so much about believing for a miracle, but it's about believing and trusting in the One who performs the miracles. No matter what happens trusting God that His plan is truly better even if I don't understand it.

I'm praying for a good night's rest tonight (I tend to have trouble sleeping the night before big events), for Kyle to have strength, and for us both to have peace and wisdom.

So the roller coaster continues-I'm still holding on,
still holding my breath,
there are times that I want to scream,
but I know I'm secure
and I know that this ride will end
and I know that I'm not riding it alone.

It's not over 'til it's over!

Last night we had our Nashville pastor and his family over for dinner. They prayed over us and the overwhelming sense in the room is "this isn't over until it's over". God still has every capability to perform a miracle. Although I have accepted the possibility that God may choose a different path, I am believing and asking God to perform a miracle for 'this' baby. I'm not going to give up on my child-no matter what the doctor says.

So today I feel hopeful. I'm still pregnant. If it weren't for the ultrasound and blood test I would be happily pregnant not knowing anything is possibly wrong. But I do know, and that is no reason to ignore the report, but it is reason to stand in faith and believe for a miracle. My life is a living testimony of God's faithfulness and I know that this entire process is a way that I can give Him all the glory. I'm thankful for the trial, knowing that the promise is still true, and the blessing is still coming.

The whole earth is a waiting room

The hardest part now is waiting. I was reminded of a very profound word that my little sister was given years ago in the midst of a trial- "The whole earth is a waiting room". Just when we think we have arrived, there will be something else that we are wanting and waiting for. While driving into work yesterday I prayed that God would give me strength to not break down-and He did. I was able to work and not wallow in my sorrow. Everyone's response has been so sweet. Although I am reminded that when someone is grieving the last thing they need is a pep talk. What has comforted me most is understanding. So thank you to everyone who has cried with us, prayed for us, and is still hoping with us. My pastor called us when he heard the news and was genuinely sad with us. One thing he said that really struck me as true was "this isn't a miscarriage, this is losing a baby". I keep thinking about the word miscarriage and I don't really identify with it, but I do identify with losing a baby.

We received the blood results yesterday, and the results were less than optimal and confirming the doctor's prognosis.

For so long I have struggled with this whole idea of faith and healing, and Monday night as I wept before the Lord, I realized that faith is really about surrender, trusting God that His will is best even when we don't understand it. Yes I would love to just believe that the doctor is wrong and my baby is fine, but without accepting the possibility of a different outcome then I'm denying the process. Believe me, I am totally open and asking for God to do a miracle for this baby, but I'm also open for God to maybe having a different plan. If this baby makes it, it will be a miracle baby. The promises He has given me are still true. Hannah went on to have several children after Samuel, and I will too.

My husband has been such a rock for me. There was a moment on Monday when I thought-it's this kind of stuff that really shows what we are made of. My husband is made of tenderness and strength. He has comforted me and is truly carrying me through this. I know that he sacrifices some of his process for my sake, because I see him loving me more than himself.

We arrived home last night-so now we can enjoy the comforts and closeness of family. Some might think that news like this the week of Christmas is worse, but I'm glad that it's a time to celebrate and do all things I love most.

A day of tears

Today we had our first ultrasound, and unfortunately received news that every new parent fears. The doctor says that it doesn't look like the pregnancy is viable. By this stage, the baby should be developed more and it's not. The sac should be bigger than it is. When asked what the chances were, he basically said that from his experience there was little chance that this baby would make it.

We cried, prayed, asked why, and are still left wanting. I'm torn by the natural side of me that knows that this baby won't make it, and the spiritual side of me that says God always has room for a miracle.

As I prayed, I was reminded of Hannah-she prayed that God would open her womb, and He did. When she had her son Samuel, she gave him to the high priest to raise. I've come to peace that if this is God's will, I will release my baby to live with the Highest Priest. I really can't think of better hands to give him to. As much as it hurts, I know that all the promises God has given me are still true. Our baby is still coming, it just might not be this one.

It's so overwhelming!

It has been a wonderful past few days. I know that some people don't like telling people that they are pregnant until sometime has passed, but I think that sharing in the good news makes it so much more exciting. Everyone's calls, e-mails, and prayers have just been so sweet.

I had my repeat HCG test done on Thursday, and was told that the numbers were good but not great. So we would need to recheck them in two days. Immediately, I felt that this was an attack of the enemy. God hasn't just given us a pregnancy-He is giving us a child-this child. So I prayed that this child would be called into his/her destiny, and that included life here on earth.I told my parents and they prayed and believed. My dad said he felt such peace and confidence and encouraged me to not worry. The next day my mom was praying and asked God to give her a word of encouragement. That same day she received a Congratulatory card from a friend that included the scripture 1 Samuel 1:27 "For this child I prayed and the Lord granted me my petition which I asked of Him".

I went into the clinic today confident that everything was fine-and of course my numbers had gone up. So the next official medical step is an OB ultrasound in a few weeks to find out 'how many'! All I want is a healthy baby-but I'll gladly accept a double portion, but triple? We may have some hesitancies-but that is why God gives women 9 months to at least adjust to the idea of being a mom. I don't think there really is anything that prepares you for the responsibilities, sacrifices, and rewards of motherhood. But it's nice to have lots of resources and friends to try to get ready.

So what started out being Kristy's blog through infertility is now a blog through pregnancy. A new chapter begins...