Bringing in the New Year

As I look back at this past year, so much has happened. I know myself well enough that if I don't purposely allow myself the grieving process, that I will let life get busy and just keep going. So I plan to give myself this weekend to do just that. Not that I can put a deadline on the process, but just giving the process time is important.

I'm so excited about the new year, 2006. I truly believe that it will be the year that my promise is fulfilled. God is so amazing. Within the past 2 days, I have had two different friends from college contact me, and I haven't talked to either of them in years. They both were just thinking about me and decided to find out how I was doing. It reminds me that when I'm thinking about someone, that it's probably not just me, but that God has placed them on my mind for a reason.

Something fun and random-my parents-in-laws gave me money for Christmas and at first I didn't know what to do with it. I started thinking about what I would enjoy having that I wouldn't necessarily go buy myself. Then I thought about my china set. I have always been one to enjoy setting a nice table, so over the years I've tried to slowly complete my collection. I drove down to the Lenox outlet store, only to find they were going out of business-which means major markdowns. I was able to get everything to complete a 12-piece place setting and the gravy boat as a bonus for very reasonable prices.

Today is the day of taking down Christmas. This is always sad for me, because I love Christmas so much, and I love how festive the house feels when it's decorated. One thing I'm learning though, is it will be here again before you know it.

And this ride ends...

Well today we woke up early and went for a more thorough ultrasound at the hospital. The ultrasound technician thought she saw something near the right ovary, and was concerned that it may be an ectopic pregnancy, aka "tubal". So we went to the fetal diagnostic center and the radiologist himself did another ultrasound.

It's funny how your prayers change so quickly. One minute I'm praying for a miracle, then the next minute I'm praying that my fallopian tubes are saved.

Good news-there is no tubal pregnancy... Bad news-the radiologist confirmed that there was 0% chance for this pregnancy. Seeing that in the past week there has been no change is the confirmation that I needed. So my infertility specialist scheduled me for surgery at 1pm today.

Again I was reminded of the previous waiting room phrase, I literally spent all morning in a waiting room. I thought that I would be extremely nervous, but I wasn't. I totally felt at peace and the grace was more than enough.

The nurses and doctors were all amazing. The actual surgery is a breeze for me. Breathe deep, breathe deep... and the next thing you know they are telling you to wake up. I woke up crying, not because I was in any pain, but because I knew that it really was over.

I have to take it easy for the next couple of days, and my husband is being a wonderfully attentive caretaker. Surprisingly enough, so far I've not had any pain or cramping. Again God's grace is sufficient.

Thank you to all who have made this journey with us. Your prayers and support are a lifeline to us.

Another big day!

Well today we went for our repeat ultrasound, and as far as the doctor can tell there has no change. He terms it as a "anembryonic pregnancy", meaning that a fertilized egg implanted, but never grew to become an embryo. So he recommended a D&C tomorrow. So after discussing the risks and reasons we scheduled the procedure at Arnold Palmer tomorrow.

Then later this afternoon, the nurse called with my hormone level results-they are going up! So now the doctor wants to get a better ultrasound done at the hospital first thing in the morning. What does all this mean? Well it either means what we originally thought, that this isn't a viable pregnancy and we will proceed with the D&C, or it means that it may be an ectopic pregnancy which is an entirely different issue, or the best possibility is that God is performing a miracle.

Obviously, I would love the latter, but I'm at peace with the other possibilities. I have realized that having faith is not so much about believing for a miracle, but it's about believing and trusting in the One who performs the miracles. No matter what happens trusting God that His plan is truly better even if I don't understand it.

I'm praying for a good night's rest tonight (I tend to have trouble sleeping the night before big events), for Kyle to have strength, and for us both to have peace and wisdom.

So the roller coaster continues-I'm still holding on,
still holding my breath,
there are times that I want to scream,
but I know I'm secure
and I know that this ride will end
and I know that I'm not riding it alone.

It's not over 'til it's over!

Last night we had our Nashville pastor and his family over for dinner. They prayed over us and the overwhelming sense in the room is "this isn't over until it's over". God still has every capability to perform a miracle. Although I have accepted the possibility that God may choose a different path, I am believing and asking God to perform a miracle for 'this' baby. I'm not going to give up on my child-no matter what the doctor says.

So today I feel hopeful. I'm still pregnant. If it weren't for the ultrasound and blood test I would be happily pregnant not knowing anything is possibly wrong. But I do know, and that is no reason to ignore the report, but it is reason to stand in faith and believe for a miracle. My life is a living testimony of God's faithfulness and I know that this entire process is a way that I can give Him all the glory. I'm thankful for the trial, knowing that the promise is still true, and the blessing is still coming.

The whole earth is a waiting room

The hardest part now is waiting. I was reminded of a very profound word that my little sister was given years ago in the midst of a trial- "The whole earth is a waiting room". Just when we think we have arrived, there will be something else that we are wanting and waiting for. While driving into work yesterday I prayed that God would give me strength to not break down-and He did. I was able to work and not wallow in my sorrow. Everyone's response has been so sweet. Although I am reminded that when someone is grieving the last thing they need is a pep talk. What has comforted me most is understanding. So thank you to everyone who has cried with us, prayed for us, and is still hoping with us. My pastor called us when he heard the news and was genuinely sad with us. One thing he said that really struck me as true was "this isn't a miscarriage, this is losing a baby". I keep thinking about the word miscarriage and I don't really identify with it, but I do identify with losing a baby.

We received the blood results yesterday, and the results were less than optimal and confirming the doctor's prognosis.

For so long I have struggled with this whole idea of faith and healing, and Monday night as I wept before the Lord, I realized that faith is really about surrender, trusting God that His will is best even when we don't understand it. Yes I would love to just believe that the doctor is wrong and my baby is fine, but without accepting the possibility of a different outcome then I'm denying the process. Believe me, I am totally open and asking for God to do a miracle for this baby, but I'm also open for God to maybe having a different plan. If this baby makes it, it will be a miracle baby. The promises He has given me are still true. Hannah went on to have several children after Samuel, and I will too.

My husband has been such a rock for me. There was a moment on Monday when I thought-it's this kind of stuff that really shows what we are made of. My husband is made of tenderness and strength. He has comforted me and is truly carrying me through this. I know that he sacrifices some of his process for my sake, because I see him loving me more than himself.

We arrived home last night-so now we can enjoy the comforts and closeness of family. Some might think that news like this the week of Christmas is worse, but I'm glad that it's a time to celebrate and do all things I love most.

A day of tears

Today we had our first ultrasound, and unfortunately received news that every new parent fears. The doctor says that it doesn't look like the pregnancy is viable. By this stage, the baby should be developed more and it's not. The sac should be bigger than it is. When asked what the chances were, he basically said that from his experience there was little chance that this baby would make it.

We cried, prayed, asked why, and are still left wanting. I'm torn by the natural side of me that knows that this baby won't make it, and the spiritual side of me that says God always has room for a miracle.

As I prayed, I was reminded of Hannah-she prayed that God would open her womb, and He did. When she had her son Samuel, she gave him to the high priest to raise. I've come to peace that if this is God's will, I will release my baby to live with the Highest Priest. I really can't think of better hands to give him to. As much as it hurts, I know that all the promises God has given me are still true. Our baby is still coming, it just might not be this one.

It's so overwhelming!

It has been a wonderful past few days. I know that some people don't like telling people that they are pregnant until sometime has passed, but I think that sharing in the good news makes it so much more exciting. Everyone's calls, e-mails, and prayers have just been so sweet.

I had my repeat HCG test done on Thursday, and was told that the numbers were good but not great. So we would need to recheck them in two days. Immediately, I felt that this was an attack of the enemy. God hasn't just given us a pregnancy-He is giving us a child-this child. So I prayed that this child would be called into his/her destiny, and that included life here on earth.I told my parents and they prayed and believed. My dad said he felt such peace and confidence and encouraged me to not worry. The next day my mom was praying and asked God to give her a word of encouragement. That same day she received a Congratulatory card from a friend that included the scripture 1 Samuel 1:27 "For this child I prayed and the Lord granted me my petition which I asked of Him".

I went into the clinic today confident that everything was fine-and of course my numbers had gone up. So the next official medical step is an OB ultrasound in a few weeks to find out 'how many'! All I want is a healthy baby-but I'll gladly accept a double portion, but triple? We may have some hesitancies-but that is why God gives women 9 months to at least adjust to the idea of being a mom. I don't think there really is anything that prepares you for the responsibilities, sacrifices, and rewards of motherhood. But it's nice to have lots of resources and friends to try to get ready.

So what started out being Kristy's blog through infertility is now a blog through pregnancy. A new chapter begins...

And.....Breathe!

For the past few days I have been holding my breath, and today was the biggest sigh of relief. Our prayers have been answered and promises fulfilled-WE ARE PREGNANT! It's been a long three year journey, but it is totally worth every moment. Now a new journey begins, no longer a temporary one, but this one is for life. I feel so blessed and honored that God has heard my prayers. What I feel is Pure Joy! Thank you to everyone who has walked this out with us. Your prayers, tears, encouragement, and love have truly been life to me.

I'm so excited!

Do you ever have those times in your life that you find yourself smiling for no reason? Then when you stop to think about it, you realize that you just feel excited. Lately I've been finding myself smiling a lot. It's a combination of a lot of things. One of which is the obvious hope of pregnancy. I'm so excited and hope so much that this is it, that I have to remind myself that I haven't seen the two lines just yet. Secondly, I absolutely love this time of year. I love knowing that I have great times and memories ahead with both friends and family. During the holidays, there is a scent of celebration in the air that encourages me. Some people get very stressed out over the holidays, and believe me there have been times I have felt that stress. I've always felt that even amidst all the busyness of shopping, parties, and travelling, that there is an underlying current of joy. If you get too caught up in the river of hustle and bustle then you can easily miss out on the whole purpose. Underneath it all-it's a time to celebrate our faith and family, and that brings a smile to my face.

Day 16 IUI

Today is a good day! We went in for the intrauterine insemination, and at first the nurse couldn't get through the cervix. Then the doctor tried and he was having trouble. As the doctor is shaking his head not knowing what to do, I tell Kyle "the Red Sea parted", and my doctor asks what I said. I tell him "I was hoping that if God could part the Red Sea then He could part my cervix!" Just as I said that, he got the catheter through.

Another recent confirmation of the promise God has given-Last week I was feeling kind of frustrated so I decided to listen to the Bible on the Ipod. Without thinking, I randomly chose 1 Samuel. As I listened to Hannah's story of God opening her womb, I was reminded that just as God gave Hannah her son Samuel, God was going to give me my child. It was a great moment of remembering the promise. I know without a doubt that God is going to give me children. Some women in my situation question whether or not they are supposed to be a mother. I know I'm supposed to be a mother, it's just a matter of timing.

My mom told me today that my Aunt Carole woke up last night and felt like our pregnancy was going to be the family's Christmas gift. She didn't even know we were doing the insemination today.

God is so faithful to remind us of His promise through the process. I'm extremely excited and hopeful that we are pregnant. Honestly, there is a part of me that is scared to even say that, but I really want to take a step of faith and truly believe that God is going to fulfill His promise.

day 10-15

This whole process is such a waiting game.
Day 10 Ultrasound to see if I am responding to the Clomid. Unfortunately, the follicles aren't as big as we would like. So we wait and repeat the ultrasound in two days.

Day 11 Charysse had her surgery-It was so hard not being there. As a nurse, I always feel inclined to be the nurse when a family member is sick, especially hospitalized. Although I think my husband would disagree. When he is sick, he thinks that I minimize his symptoms. It's not that I don't care, when you see sick people all day, it's sometimes hard to feel overly compassionate, but I'm trying.

Day 12 Repeat ultrasound
Unfortunately, the follicles are still not as big as we would like. So we wait until Monday for another ultrasound. Basically we want the most ideal environment, and hopefully we will get it. So I start checking for my LH surge everyday to see if I'm ovulating, and again wait. Oh and he put me on estrogen to help encourage my endometrium. I've always been concerned that that might be a contributing factor. Even though I have yet to find any literature supporting this, it just doesn't seem normal to have periods that only last 24-48 hours. Although it is nice, I don't think it is helping my cause.

Day 13
Garage sale today
Some of the Relevant gang came to scout out the neighborhood. Kyle and I put out our stuff at 7:30 and by 11:30 we were loading it up to Goodwill. At some point you realize that it just isn't worth your time to sit out there and hope that maybe somebody would give you a few dollars for your already unwanted items. So ironically its a combination of generosity and selfishness that sets in. Selfish side says I have better things to do, generous side says Goodwill can use this stuff.

Day 14 church day
Our Sunday's are always full-but it's a full that is good. I get to spend the whole day with my husband, and we get to hang out with friends. The saddest part though is that I had to say goodbye to our sweet friends the Jacksons. Elizabeth has been such a good friend to me, and I'm going to miss our long talks. And I'm really going to miss that Owen guy-that smile and laugh just makes you melt. He is going to grow up so fast, and I hate that I won't be around to see it.
On another note-we have asked our cell groups to partner with us in prayer these next few weeks and believe that this baby is going to be conceived this time. The support of my friends and family is sometimes overwhelming. I sometimes don't know how to respond to the generous support and encouragement, but it's always helpful.

Day 15 LH surge
Woke up this morning to find those two lines exactly the same meaning I will ovulate within the next 24-36 hours. So I called my doctor and told him "it's time". Now I get to skip the ultrasound today, and go tomorrow for the artificial insemination. I'm really hoping that there will be no problems, that my cervix would be open and it would be painfree. I gave myself the HCG shot this morning, which tells my body to go ahead and release the egg. It's really weird giving yourself a shot. It makes me a little more compassionate for my diabetic patients.

Day 8 & 9

Day 8
Well today has been so busy at work, and I am tired. I woke up early (4:45 early) to take my parents to the airport, so it's been a long day. We had cell group tonight, and I must admit my expectations and anticipation level were very low. Then my wonderful husband had a really good word about being a cheerful giver. 2 Corinthians 9:8 "His grace abound toward you". It was a great reminder of how God gives us an abundant grace for everything we are called to do. We have hope!!

Then Kyle wanted to share with everyone our process this month and asked everyone to agree with us in prayer. I don't mind people knowing, but all the questions just makes it harder somehow. That's why blogging will be good,-because then I won't have to recap over and over my feelings of disappointment-but you better believe that if it's not disappointing I will probably be screaming it from the mountaintops.

Day 9
This morning I was reminded of a curse that was spoken over me that needed to be broken. As I was checking out of my doctor's office last week, the receptionist who takes care of billing said to me, "well, I might as well start an in vitro file for you" as if she knew that artificial insemination wouldn't work. So in the name of Jesus I declare that I don't need an in vitro file-that this is going to work this time.

Tomorrow I go for another ultrasound to see if my ovaries produced follicles. If so, then everything is a go!

Day 7

It has been so nice having family around this weekend. We all went to church together, and the service was amazing. It was one of Pastor's best sermons, but it was more than what he said. The presence of the spirit was so evident, and it was powerful to experience a move of the Holy Spirit with our family. Then at the end, as Pastor was dismissing the congregation, he flippantly says "and that baby is coming!" Kyle and I both, as well as my mom, immediatly teared up. It was like he said it right at us, and I believe that through the Holy Spirit he did.

It feels so much better to be hopeful even at the risk of major disappointment, then to feel stagnant and safe. Going through this round gives me a lot of hope that maybe it will work this time.

It was sad to see our family leave, especially my sister. She moved to East Tennessee just a few months ago, and is going through culture shock. It is so hard to find friends and community when you move to a new area, especially when you are literally starting from scratch. I know that God has called her there, and it's just a matter of time until she finds that sense of belonging there. I am so proud of her though, she has truly stepped out of every comfort zone and surrendered to God's will for her life. Stay the course sis! You'll make it.

I'll admit it-I really like watching Grey's Anatomy. Last week was good-although I'm torn whether or not Dr. McDreamy should stay with his wife. From the spiritual side of things I guess he should, but then there is the emotional side that really wants him and Meredith to get back together. I hate it when media lures my flesh in such a way that contradicts what I truly believe. I think it happens more often than I even realize-which is a reminder to stay guarded.

Day 5 & 6

Day 5 started out with a roar-I went to work my half day and all of the sudden everyone decided they needed to be seen. Usually I see 8-11 patients in a morning-I saw 15 yesterday! Needless to say-it was extremely busy.

I then came home and prepared for my husband's not-so surprise 30th birthday party. Everything worked out perfectly. Sometimes when I plan an event, I have certain unspoken expectations that often aren't met, but this time they were met. I wanted everything to be perfect for his 30th birthday-and the evening was exactly what I had expected!

Because he found out about the party, it made planning it so much easier. I think it was God's way of lightening the load for me. Oh and he found out because of a number of things- 1st he was looking around my office for some paperwork of his, and found my invite list. Then he was going to ask for a half day off on Friday to spend with my parents, and I told him that he needed to reserve those requests for our upcoming doctor's appointments. After my huge breakdown, he caught me at a very weak moment and just asked "Are you planning a party on Friday?" I was in shock, I didn't even answer. I knew then that he knew. What's the point of throwing a surprise party if it's no longer a surprise. So after a few tears, I realized that it was probably better that he knew.

Day 6
So today it is official-I'm married to a 30 year old man. Hee-Hee :)
Happy Birthday baby! I love you so much, and I hope that on day's like today you know how very loved and appreciated you are by everyone around you. I'm glad I will be around for the next 30.

Baby talk- Still taking Clomid 100 mg and prenatal vitamins--and just waiting for my follow-up ultrasound on day 10 to see if my ovaries have responded to the medication.

Day 4

Well I just got back from the airport and picked up my parents and sister! Yeah!!!
It is going to be a fun and memorable weekend.

Unfortunately, the surprise party I planned for my husband is no longer a surprise, but at least it's still a party with a "few" of our closest friends.

As far as Day 4 goes, I'm taking Clomid 100mg-not feeling any effects yet and of course my prenatal vitamins. I am figuring out that I can somewhat gauge my hope for pregnancy factor by the consistency of my taking prenatal vitamins. If I think I may get pregnant-I am very deligent and conscientious about taking them, and then there are times that I don't take any (subconsciously thinking what's the point)? Hmmm...discovering strange behavior about yourself is always enlightening.

Day 3

Started Clomid 100 mg D3-D7

Good news! My doctor did a trial transfer-and he got through!!! This means that I hopefully won't have to have my cervix dilated for the real insemination. Since last time's disappointment, I have been praying that since God can part the Red Sea, then He sure can part my cervix. And it looks like He did!! So now we take the hormones--which unfortunately make me have hot flashes and gain weight. But right now, I'm willing to do just about anything for this baby. One thing that walking through this process has given me is this overwhelming love for a child that hasn't even been conceived yet. Even if it's not our genetic child, I still have this deep desire to hold my baby. If I think about it too long it brings me to tears. So onto something else...

I got a job offer today from my infertility doctor--hmmmm? I guess it's something to think and pray about. I'm always open to God's possibilities.

My family is coming into town tomorrow night, and I am so excited about seeing them. It has been a while since we have all been together, and a really long time since both of our parents are together, so it will be a weekend of pure fun!

Day 2

I've spent the past few days getting my house ready for my in-laws and my parents coming to town. There is nothing like company to inspire you to get those projects done that you've been wanting to do, but just haven't found the time.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my infertility specialist. I'm looking forward to going and making a game plan. I think he will probably do an ultrasound to check my ovaries to see if there looking good for ovulation. I pray they look great!

As a woman we have to have the dreaded pelvic exam done. At first I was insistent that only a woman do it. Now having to go through all of this-I really don't care as long as they know what they are doing. I still don't like having to do it-but let's be honest-who does?

Day 1

Well usually I'm pretty private about things that I consider pretty private, but I realize that maybe this process that God is having me walk through might be better served if it is logged and even shared. So here it is: Day 1 of a round of infertility.

I used to be only inconvenienced by "that time of the month". Then I went through a time when I was disappointed, and lately it's been just flat out discouraging. For so long I've been believing and having faith that we would just get pregnant through natural means. I feel like I've waited and prayed so many times, and now I've come to the conclusion that we must need some amazing intervention to get pregnant.

So today-I was strangely excited to start this round. I have waited for the past 3 months to get more settled into my new job, and have hoped that we would just get pregnant-and I'm getting tired of waiting. I want a baby! So I've made a plan to do artificial insemination this round-and this time actual get it into the uterus! (Our first round of IUI (intrauterine insemination) last June the doctor wasn't able to get into my uterus). So I feel hopeful-why? because I feel like I have a plan and I'm doing something. The past few weeks have been emotionally difficult for me, and during a breakdown last Saturday with my husband, I realized that the underlying theme is this process of trying to get pregnant. I know that sometimes I don't even let myself go to that place of feeling the grief of this process, out of fear that I wouldn't be able to get out of it. I KNOW God has a baby for me, and I'm more than ready to do whatever it takes.

What's going on?

Frequently I'm asked what's going on? I sometimes have trouble answering the question. I'm not sure if it's because there isn't much going on, or I just don't know how much they want to know. My husband tells me that I have trouble asking people to help, that I have trouble assuming that people want to know. I am learning though. Today I gave a baby shower for a friend and the girl that was helping called the night before and asked about coffee, I asked her to take care of it. I realized that often times when I am planning things, I just assume that I will do everything, and then when people offer to help I have trouble telling them what to do, even though they are asking. It's a mix of perfectionism (by doing it myself, I know it will be done the way I want) and fear that I would be asking too much and that I would be misunderstood. I guess we are all a work in progress, and I'm learning to just ask.

On another note, there are very few people in this world that really know how to press my buttons and make me mad. I have recently found myself working with one of those people, and I'm feeling very challenged when I evaluate my response. It's kind of like that quote "no one can make you feel inferior without your permission". The funny thing is that it's not so much what the person is saying, it's how they say it. That tone that forces you to make that decision to give them permission or not. I've watched my husband learn how to respond to that tone, and I definitely use his experience to help me know how to respond. There is a part of me that wonders if there is a way to confront the person and maybe challenge that tone, but then I also realize that maybe I wouldn't be on the receiving end of that tone if my response diffuses the tone instead of adds to it. Many lessons to be learned.

Kyle is turning 30 soon!!!

Honestly, this is the perfectionist side of me. I haven't told anyone that I'm even doing this, because I don't have it looking exactly the way I want. Although the anonymity right now is kind of nice.

So what's on my mind right now?
My sister-in-law is having surgery soon.
My husband's 30th birthday is coming up!
My job is somewhat busy and overwhelming at times.
I'm trying really hard to fight a cold-but I'm not sick.
God is so good in the midst of it all.

Kristy Blogging?

I've recently had many friends who have started this whole blogging thing, and I figure it's time to give it a chance. It may take some time for me to get it really going, but you have to start somewhere though right? So here it is, my first official posting, and basically I'm writing this tonight just to see what happens.