Day 1

Well usually I'm pretty private about things that I consider pretty private, but I realize that maybe this process that God is having me walk through might be better served if it is logged and even shared. So here it is: Day 1 of a round of infertility.

I used to be only inconvenienced by "that time of the month". Then I went through a time when I was disappointed, and lately it's been just flat out discouraging. For so long I've been believing and having faith that we would just get pregnant through natural means. I feel like I've waited and prayed so many times, and now I've come to the conclusion that we must need some amazing intervention to get pregnant.

So today-I was strangely excited to start this round. I have waited for the past 3 months to get more settled into my new job, and have hoped that we would just get pregnant-and I'm getting tired of waiting. I want a baby! So I've made a plan to do artificial insemination this round-and this time actual get it into the uterus! (Our first round of IUI (intrauterine insemination) last June the doctor wasn't able to get into my uterus). So I feel hopeful-why? because I feel like I have a plan and I'm doing something. The past few weeks have been emotionally difficult for me, and during a breakdown last Saturday with my husband, I realized that the underlying theme is this process of trying to get pregnant. I know that sometimes I don't even let myself go to that place of feeling the grief of this process, out of fear that I wouldn't be able to get out of it. I KNOW God has a baby for me, and I'm more than ready to do whatever it takes.

What's going on?

Frequently I'm asked what's going on? I sometimes have trouble answering the question. I'm not sure if it's because there isn't much going on, or I just don't know how much they want to know. My husband tells me that I have trouble asking people to help, that I have trouble assuming that people want to know. I am learning though. Today I gave a baby shower for a friend and the girl that was helping called the night before and asked about coffee, I asked her to take care of it. I realized that often times when I am planning things, I just assume that I will do everything, and then when people offer to help I have trouble telling them what to do, even though they are asking. It's a mix of perfectionism (by doing it myself, I know it will be done the way I want) and fear that I would be asking too much and that I would be misunderstood. I guess we are all a work in progress, and I'm learning to just ask.

On another note, there are very few people in this world that really know how to press my buttons and make me mad. I have recently found myself working with one of those people, and I'm feeling very challenged when I evaluate my response. It's kind of like that quote "no one can make you feel inferior without your permission". The funny thing is that it's not so much what the person is saying, it's how they say it. That tone that forces you to make that decision to give them permission or not. I've watched my husband learn how to respond to that tone, and I definitely use his experience to help me know how to respond. There is a part of me that wonders if there is a way to confront the person and maybe challenge that tone, but then I also realize that maybe I wouldn't be on the receiving end of that tone if my response diffuses the tone instead of adds to it. Many lessons to be learned.

Kyle is turning 30 soon!!!

Honestly, this is the perfectionist side of me. I haven't told anyone that I'm even doing this, because I don't have it looking exactly the way I want. Although the anonymity right now is kind of nice.

So what's on my mind right now?
My sister-in-law is having surgery soon.
My husband's 30th birthday is coming up!
My job is somewhat busy and overwhelming at times.
I'm trying really hard to fight a cold-but I'm not sick.
God is so good in the midst of it all.