Raw

Today has been hard. I'm not sure why one day is worse than others, but for some reason it is. I've been on the brink of tears all day. If I let myself think about it all, the tears just start coming. On top of it all, I get this horrible headache and my eyes burn from crying so much. I know that there are such worse things that other people go through; I know that I will get through this. I know that I will someday be a mom, there is just such sadness that I can't ignore.

I went to Target on the way home; I admit it, I was emotionally shopping. It seemed like every new mom with their new baby was shopping.I know I'm probably just a little more sensitive. The only way I can explain it is I see them and I yearn to be in their place. Then I saw this cute pajama outfit that peeked my curiosity, so I began looking through to find something comfy, and somehow before I knew it I was in the maternity department. I just left without the pajamas. Then I get home and check the mail to find a baby magazine that I apparently signed up for when I signed up on one of those week to week websites. Why does it seem that when you just want to escape from something, there are reminders EVERYWHERE! I know that I have been in survival mode the past few days-just keep going, go to work,think logically about it all.

I know that I have to grieve; I have to allow myself to grieve. If I don't, then I will always find these reminders and feel the pain. From experience I know that there is healing, I just wish it came packaged up with assembly instructions and delivered to my door. I'm not angry at God, and I still have faith that He knows what He is doing; I just didn't think it was going to be this hard.