to God be the glory

For those of you who don't know......

We are pregnant, and this time it looks like for good (well at least for 9 months)! Last November, we decided to do one more IUI (artificial insemination), and to both of our surprise- it worked!

Today, we had our first appointment with the OB, as well as an ultrasound. At 12 weeks, the baby looks great! Peanut measures perfectly, the heart is beating at 163 bpm, and it's moving around. It was so amazing to see it moving around on the screen and see it's little body forming. It's only about 2 1/2" now, but already you can make out all the body parts. I've been somewhat guarded this time. Our first ultrasound at 7 weeks was a major hurdle, but I still found myself holding my breath. Then our 9 week ultrasound was an even bigger hurdle, so after that I started accepting the idea more and more. Sidenote: I haven't as much as looked at a pregnancy magazine at this point. Today, we were able to officially get out of the first trimester, and statistically chances are much better if you make it to this point. After the appointment, Kyle and I celebrated by going to one of our favorite Nashville spots. Then my mom and I went and bought like 4 pregnancy books. Now I can officially say, I am excited!!!

This morning I read Romans 4:20-22, " He did not waver at the promise of God through unbelief, but was strengthened through faith, giving God the glory, and being fully convinced that what He had promised He was able to perform, and therefore it was accounted to him for righteousness."

I feel like so much of this journey has been a lesson of faith for me. I feel myself coming out on the other side stronger in my faith, being fully convinced that He keeps His promises. My heart is overflowing with gratitude and joy to my Lord and Savior, for what He has done, and what He is doing in my life. I am humbled by His generosity and thoughtfulness, to go beyond my expectations. Truly, God is great!

Decompress

After weeks of stress between moving, selling the house, and finishing work, I find myself in a mode of decompressing or some might say 'destressing'. There are still several things in our life that remain uncertain, but God is continuing to teach me to trust Him. I've been a believer most of my life, so believing in God comes easy, but it has only been in the past year, that I have found a deep trust in Him. Trusting in His plan each step of the way is definitely getting easier. When you have been praying and believing for something, it's almost like reading a book, and there is a part of me that wants to know how the story ends. Sometimes God doesn't give us that word of confirmation that helps us know how the story ends. Sometimes He gives us just enough to turn the page and read the next chapter. One chapter at a time, each one requiring more faith. The closer to the end you get the more you hope that it all ends the way you want it to. Sometimes the ending isn't what we think it should be, but we learn to trust that God's ending is better than ours.

Now off the philosphophical note-so far my time has been spent unpacking and settling in. It's nice to not have an agenda, although I'm certain my time will be full. I will be helping Kyle with his business a few days a week, and then help my dad with his business some. In the meantime, my sister gets married in 2 months, so there are lots of final details to work out, and then we are building a house on top of it all. Although, I'm not using my master's degree at the moment, it's nice to take a little sabbatical and do something different, which also allows me a little more flexibility.

We are Nashvillians!

On Friday we loaded the first pod (portable on demand) system, which by the way is definitely the way to move when you're house isn't going to be ready for 6 more months. Then Saturday we had lots of friends who really love us show up to help us finish loading. The guys loaded all the stuff, and the girls helped me clean the house. We were completely done by 2pm. Thank you to everyone who came and helped us. It meant so much to us, and relieved a lot of stress as well. Since we finished so early, we decided to go ahead and get on the road. We made it to the halfway mark in Macon, Georgia. We then woke up Sunday morning and made it to Nashville by 1 pm. The entire trip went without a hitch. Even the dogs did great! They are extremely excited about their new surroundings, and are trying to adjust to their cousin "Lucy" (my parent's old bassett hound). Anyway, it's nice to be back home. It's strange being back, so far it just feels like we are here visiting, but somehow I have my car to drive around. I think after a few days of being here, it will set in that we aren't on vacation.

Our house sold!

So it is now setting in that we are actually moving. After weeks of house showings and trying to keep the house immaculate, we accepted an offer on the house last Saturday. What a relief it is to have sold our house! We have known for a while that God was calling us back to Nashville, but the timing has been the question. Selling the house was the confirmation that I was looking for to know that the time is now! Mom showed up today to help pack, and my last day at my job is Friday. (A little word of advice: when moving, let your last day of work be a few days before you move, not the day before :) I'll keep everyone posted!
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We are moving!

Finally, we have a moving date! The last weekend in January (probably the 27th or 28th), Kyle, Kristy, java, & maggie will load up and head back to Nashville. Our house hasn't sold yet, but we are confident that it will. Our house in Nashville is underway, they are already framing. Until it's ready, we will be living with my parents. I will miss my friends in Florida, but I am ready to be back near family. I'm most looking forward to starting fresh. This past year has been so difficult in some ways, I am anxious to start a new year in a new environment. I'll keep you updated.

Life can be good

My mom is visiting from Nashville, so I took a day off to spend time with her. We had the best day just hanging out together. Tonight we were both cooking dinner in the kitchen, and listening to Christmas music (yes, we start listening to Christmas music pretty early) and we both just had this moment that life is good. In the busyness of life, often times I don't slow down enough to really stop and enjoy the moments in life that are so sweet. Life goes by so quickly, so it's that much more important to captivate the moments that remind of us how sweet it is!

Philosophy of life

When we moved into our house, the landscaping was so bad, that we decided it would be better to go without. Then came the problem of perfectionism. I knew I could just plant some bushes and call it good, but I wanted more. So last Saturday I decided to go to a local nursery, instead of Home depot, and serendipitously found the answer to a lot of my landscaping problems. First of all, selection is key. This place has lots of options which is crucial when trying to landscape. Secondly, the owner, Shirley, has been doing this for over 40 years, and was more than willing to give me a lesson on landscaping. I left the nursery with a renewed confidence to attempt to landscape my front yard. Shirley left me with this bit of wisdom, ther are no rules with landscaping as long as you like it. Now instead of trying to find the perfect design and the perfect plants, I'm just going for it.

The first step in the landscaping process required that I take up two years worth of mulch. It was extremely hot and for a girl who is not used to manual labor, it was a bit of a challenge. As I'm raking and shoveling mulch, I thought if I were in a concentration camp then my life would depend on my ability to keep going. Then I thought to myself, live as if your life depended on it, because it does. Now I'm sure that's not an original thought, but for me, profound. So I kept working with a renewed sense of commitment.

On another note, I admit it, I enjoy watching Oprah. It's interesting and often entertaining, however, yesterday's show just made me so mad. Oprah's philosophy of life-"Live your own truth". What? What is that? What about God's truth? This world we live in is just continuing to buy into the lies of the enemy and our society just keeps accepting it as "truth". Since when is sexual sin "personal truth". The body of Christ needs so much more awareness and equipping to fight for truth. It made me want to support ministries like Exodus even more. Selfishly, I'm glad to know that Jesus is coming back soon, but I know that as joyful as that is to me, for so many it will be a day of regret.

Disappointing news once again

Well for those of you who knew, we did IVF for the first time. Unfortunately today we found out that we were unsuccessful. It is extremely disappointing, but nothing like the miscarriages. I have endured daily shots since July 6, sometimes three times a day, (thankfully, Kyle was pretty good with the IM injections) a surgery with anesthesia, a transfer (I had no idea that Valium would make you feel so loopy), and three days of bedrest. All to find out that we are no further along than when we started. For some reason, it just wasn't a good cycle. I didn't respond to the medications well; only one side produced eggs. Then only 3 out of the 7 eggs fertilized. The quality of the eggs wasn't the best, so they decided to transfer then sooner rather than later. Now Kyle and I are faced with the decision of what's next. I think we will start to seriously look into adoption, and we will consider trying IVF one more time. Meanwhile, I would appreciate your prayers. Sometimes it just feels like I will never have a baby, but I know that isn't the truth. I will continue to hold onto the word that the Lord gave me, this is my test, but it will be my testimony. So I know I will have a baby, it's just a matter of how and when.

our new addition

Kyle brought home our latest addition to our family, Maggie. She is cute, mostly housebroken, and I think Java is warming up to her. They are so funny together. Sometimes they are fighting over a toy, and then moments later they are playing together. It's taken Java a little time to realize that she is here to stay. At first Java pouted a lot and acted like we no longer loved her, but after lots of extra attention she knows she is still our puppy.

We go on vacation on Saturday, and I can't wait to get away and relax. The nice thing about working a lot, is that vacation is much sweeter and extremely needed. It will be good to be with family, my parents, grandpa, sister and her boyfriend are all coming down, so we will have lots of fun. I love going to Destin. It's not just about being at the beach, it's about revisiting a place that is familiar and full of sweet memories. My family has been going to the same condo in Destin since I was about 10 years old. The first time I ever saw the ocean was in Destin. I'll never forget climbing up the steps of the boardwalk and seeing the vast beautiful ocean. Then to discover that the sand was so soft, almost like God mixed flour and sugar together. I can't wait to just be-to read a book, long talks with the people I love, walks on the beach at sunset, great seafood, and lots of sleep to catch up on.

Work to live or live to work?

Today I was talking to my boss and he mentions to me that he has trouble finding people who are willing to work as hard as he does. (He works insane hours without a break-EVER). He explained that there was plenty of time to rest......when we are old, incontinent, and bedridden!

Personally I have never talked to an elderly person who regrets working too little. They always regret not enjoying life, or not spending enough time with friends and family.

So tonight a few of my girlfriends and I went to see the movie The Devil Wears Prada. Without ruining the whole crux of the movie, I will tell you that this young idealistic girl who wants to be a journalist ends up working for a fashion industry mogel. In the movie, she is always having to sacrifice her personal life for her boss's calls and outrageous demands. While I am in the movie, someone pages me. It's dark, so I can't read the number, but I think to myself I will go out and call them back in a minute. Well then I notice that someone tried to call my cell phone too. I notice that it is none other than my boss! I walk out of the theater and call him back, all to find out that he was worried that my pager wasn't working, and since I hadn't called back in 15 minutes, he tried calling my cell phone. Then when he couldn't reach me he called a coworker to get my home phone. When I called him back, he says that he had a patient say they paged the nurse and no one called back. I explained to him that I hadn't received any pages, and that I did receive his page. So then he asks for my home phone for future reference.

Isn't it ironic?

Don't you think?

A little too ironic?

I keep telling myself that this is just short term-until I hire more staff, but I am starting to wonder if it will ever be enough. I wonder if my boss will ever understand my desire to have a life outside of work. I know that I am making some sacrifices for the sake of my career, but ultimately I know that my desire is to be a mom and I won't let my "job" dictate my life. I think the saddest part of it all is wondering just how much of life my boss is missing.

Obviously we have to work-but to what extent?
We work so hard, to have so many things, so that we can work more to have more things that we never really enjoy.

This past month I haven't been able to just be in my house during the day. I didn't even realize what I was missing, until last weekend. Kyle and I were both at home and had nothing on the agenda. For the first time in a long while, I felt like I was able to enjoy my home as opposed to just sleeping and eating in it.

Life was meant to be lived, and living encompasses much more that just work!

I'm back!

These past couple of months have been very challenging. I have allowed myself to grieve this last miscarriage, but at the same time I have had to fight feelings of depression. Even though I knew that the enemy wanted my sadness to become depression, there were times that being depressed was attractive. I had this gut wrenching nagging feeling that didn't seem to go away, and the tears-just kept coming. I was so tired of crying!

Thankfully, I am starting to feel emotiionally healthy again. My job has kept me EXTREMELY busy and time has provided healing. As for the baby journey, we are in the process of starting IVF soon. I'm not sure how much of it I will blog, but I will try to keep everyone posted.

closure

Monday I had one more ultrasound, just to make sure it was really over. There was absolutely no change since our first ultrasound 4 weeks ago. There was no heartbeat, and no growth. The doctor could see where the lining was starting to breakdown. We decided to proceed with a D&C. The advantages of having the surgery outweighed the alternative of waiting. Since this is our second miscarriage, it raises the obvious question, why? By having the D&C, we could get embryonic genetic testing for sure. If it is abnormal, then that would explain why this baby didn't make it. However, if it's normal, then there is probably something else going on that may be causing the miscarriages. Secondly, the surgery allows for a quicker physical recovery, which in turn is easier emotionally. Some people have said to me I should just have faith and believe in life. For the past several weeks, I have had faith and believed that my baby was going to be ok, but at some point I have to accept the fact that I have lost another baby. The baby had already died, and I knew it. So yesterday we went to the hospital and had the surgery. It's never fun having surgery, but since I have had this surgery before it was pretty easy. I've been taking it easy today, and it has been really nice to just have a day to relax and recooperate. There is still a part of me that is very sad that this is over, but at least I can now accept it and move forward.

Thankfully, I have had lots of encouragement and support, especially from my husband. I am so blessed to have a husband who holds me up when I'm down and loves me through one of the toughest seasons of my life thus far. Kyle thank you for being my rock and my partner. I love you more and more each day.

Raw

Today has been hard. I'm not sure why one day is worse than others, but for some reason it is. I've been on the brink of tears all day. If I let myself think about it all, the tears just start coming. On top of it all, I get this horrible headache and my eyes burn from crying so much. I know that there are such worse things that other people go through; I know that I will get through this. I know that I will someday be a mom, there is just such sadness that I can't ignore.

I went to Target on the way home; I admit it, I was emotionally shopping. It seemed like every new mom with their new baby was shopping.I know I'm probably just a little more sensitive. The only way I can explain it is I see them and I yearn to be in their place. Then I saw this cute pajama outfit that peeked my curiosity, so I began looking through to find something comfy, and somehow before I knew it I was in the maternity department. I just left without the pajamas. Then I get home and check the mail to find a baby magazine that I apparently signed up for when I signed up on one of those week to week websites. Why does it seem that when you just want to escape from something, there are reminders EVERYWHERE! I know that I have been in survival mode the past few days-just keep going, go to work,think logically about it all.

I know that I have to grieve; I have to allow myself to grieve. If I don't, then I will always find these reminders and feel the pain. From experience I know that there is healing, I just wish it came packaged up with assembly instructions and delivered to my door. I'm not angry at God, and I still have faith that He knows what He is doing; I just didn't think it was going to be this hard.

Sad news

For those who keep up with our pursuit of fertility...
Last March we went through another cycle of artificial insemination, and on March 27 we found out the good news that we had conceived. This time the hormone levels went up the way they should. . After losing our last pregnancy, we were cautiously excited, so we decided to not announce this pregnancy until we were a little further along. Two weeks ago we had our first ultrasound, it was a little early, so we didn't get to see the heartbeat yet. A week later we had another ultrasound and we actually saw the heartbeat, but the baby hadn't grown in length from the last ultrasound. I really believed that everything was going to be alright, that maybe it was just a bad measurement. The doctor said it's a good sign that there is a heartbeat, but I'm guarded because it hasn't grown. Disappointed but hopeful, we continued to wait.

Today we had another ultrasound, unfortunately there is no heartbeat, and it hasn't grown at all. Today is nine weeks, but the baby only measures 6 weeks. Again, we face losing another baby. My mind is swimming with so many thoughts, and my heart feels numb. On one hand, I still feel in a state of shock, in another hand, the news doesn't seem as traumatic because we have gone down this path before. I know God is faithful to His promise, I just didn't know it was going to be this hard.

It's not too bad

I woke up this morning and after fixing my hair the way I usually do, it's not too bad. Kyle and friends at work actually like it. It has more tones to it-a little bit of blonde, a bit of red, and a little bit of my natural. It kind of gives me that sunkissed look-which come to think of it, now is the time to look sunkissed even if my skin is still white as a ghost. I've been wearing my hair curly since the beginning of February, and it has cut down my get ready time by at least 15 minutes. Growing up I always wanted curly hair, and even tried the spiral perms. That was a horrible idea! The perm took on about half of my hair-needless to say it is definitely my worst school picture. Fast forward to now-there are great products and the curly hair look doesnt' require beautiful spiral curls-a nice messy wave look actually passes. So one day I went to Target and bought curly hair products and a diffuser-and came up with my present style. Everyone seemed to like it and it's much easier-so for now curly hair will be my do. Regarding the bronze orange tint to my hair, again I think it just takes time getting used to something different. For all my friends that don't get to see me on a day to day basis-I'll try to post some pics.

Wannabee Irish Rock Star

I wore green today, not because I'm Irish, but because I have traumatic memories of not wearing green. I remember one St. Patrick's Day in middle school that I showed up to school and didn't have green on. The rest of the day I endured the incessant question "Where is your green?" and then was pinched repeatedly. By the end of the day the backs of my arms were actually sore. Needless to say, I always wear green on St. Patrick's Day, even though I'm not Irish and I don't really celebrate this Irish holiday.

I have this love/hate relationship with getting my hair done. I love the process of having my hair washed cut and styled, however I hate the process of deciding what I want. I went today to a new girl. I should have known this wasn't a good fit when I called this morning and got a same day appointment. Then the obvious question-what do you want done? I just needed my roots highlighted and a trim. Sounds simple enough right? Wrong. Well then I find out that the girl who did my hair last time didn't write down what she did. Then they always ask me all of these questions--toner, low lights, bleach, length? I don't know, I thought this was why I was paying almost $200. Why can't I just say what I want and then they know how to make it happen? She fixed my hair and I walked out looking like a wannabee 80's rock star. My hair was frizzy and huge, not to mention somehow my bangs are bronze and orange? Hmm, I'm pretty sure I didn't ask for that.

So at the end of the day with my green shirt and my frizzy hair-I felt like a wannabee Irish Rock star.

waiting game

Everything went very well on Monday with the IUI. No problems this time. Now we wait--in a couple of weeks we will know if we are pregnant. So please hope and pray with us!!

Maybe this time

For those who want the details of our latest fertilty efforts-read on....

We decided to do another cycle of IUI (intrauterine Insemination). Instead of an oral medication (Clomid), I am taking an injectable stimulation medication called "Follistim". Thankfully, needles don't bother me, so giving myself a shot isn't really a big deal. It ihas been a little strange working for my doctor. I realize that it really isn't anything to him, it's more my own insecurities. So I am getting over that real quick. Every few days I have had an ultrasound and bloodwork to monitor how well the follicles are developing. My last ultrasound on Thursday showed four follicles on the left. For those wondering what a follicle is, an egg develops in a follicle. Apparently, the right is on vacation. So tonight I give myself an HCG shot that helps prepare the ovaries to release the egg, and Monday is the big day-so everyone pray that this will be the time that God fulfills His promise.

The verse I am standing on, loosely translated Hebrews 11:11, "By faith I have received strength to conceive seed, even though the doctors have said that my womb is aged, because I have judged God to be faithful to His promise." After Monday, begins the waiting game. I'll keep everyone updated.

Ethics?

Thankfully, my job is going very well. As I expected, the part-time status was short-lived. It's kind of hard to be in management and not be there all the time. Somehow working full-time at this job isn't as stressful. Granted I am still trying to figure out when to do laundry, buy groceries, and clean house, but thankfully I have help with those responsibilities. I know that I am very blessed to have a husband who helps out around the house. I guess I have his mom to thank for that.

There was an ethical issue that arose that was kind of challenging this week. Basicallly, we had homosexual male couples contacting our office requesting our services. This brings up enumerous issues-legally and ethically. The doctor and a few of the staff met, and it was totally looking like they couldn't find a reason to not take care of this type of patient. I was really trying not to ignore my personal beliefs, but instead give alternative reasons why this wasn't a good idea. At one point the doctor looked at me and asked is this going to be an issue that you may just walk out on. I explained that I hadn't quite made a decision, but was trying to keep my personal beliefs in perspective yet maintain my professionalism. I was praying hard about what stand to take, and Friday I realized that I just needed to ask God to close that door and give the doctor wisdom. Friday night a friend at work called and said that she could tell that I wasn't on board with the idea, yet I was being professional about the issue. She did more research, and found FDA regulations that inhibit us from taking care of this type of patient. PRAISE GOD! My prayers have been answered. He gave me the opportunity to explain my perspective but He relieved me from having to make a very difficult decision. It reminds me of the importance of our laws and the importance of the Christian community being active in developing our laws and regulations.

Back in the saddle again

I am so amazed how God has truly provided. I am loving my job. I'm learning a lot, and I am finding that work doesn't stress me out as much anymore. Since I have been working as a nurse, there is this underlying stress. When you know that every decision made has consequences, and could be life or death decisions, the weight of that responsibility seems so daunting at times. There are times when I really questioned if I could handle it; I always did, but I didn't always want to. This is the first time in a very long time that my job doesn't really carry that stress. Even though I loved having my time off, I'm back in the saddle again and am loving it.

On another note, after waiting the necessary time post miscarriage, we are officially trying to get pregnant again. The best news-I get a discount because I work there. I won't bore everyone with all the details again, but I'll keep everyone updated on any significant news. So in that aspect of my life, I'm also back in the saddle again.