Monday I had one more ultrasound, just to make sure it was really over. There was absolutely no change since our first ultrasound 4 weeks ago. There was no heartbeat, and no growth. The doctor could see where the lining was starting to breakdown. We decided to proceed with a D&C. The advantages of having the surgery outweighed the alternative of waiting. Since this is our second miscarriage, it raises the obvious question, why? By having the D&C, we could get embryonic genetic testing for sure. If it is abnormal, then that would explain why this baby didn't make it. However, if it's normal, then there is probably something else going on that may be causing the miscarriages. Secondly, the surgery allows for a quicker physical recovery, which in turn is easier emotionally. Some people have said to me I should just have faith and believe in life. For the past several weeks, I have had faith and believed that my baby was going to be ok, but at some point I have to accept the fact that I have lost another baby. The baby had already died, and I knew it. So yesterday we went to the hospital and had the surgery. It's never fun having surgery, but since I have had this surgery before it was pretty easy. I've been taking it easy today, and it has been really nice to just have a day to relax and recooperate. There is still a part of me that is very sad that this is over, but at least I can now accept it and move forward.
Thankfully, I have had lots of encouragement and support, especially from my husband. I am so blessed to have a husband who holds me up when I'm down and loves me through one of the toughest seasons of my life thus far. Kyle thank you for being my rock and my partner. I love you more and more each day.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Friday, May 05, 2006
Raw
Today has been hard. I'm not sure why one day is worse than others, but for some reason it is. I've been on the brink of tears all day. If I let myself think about it all, the tears just start coming. On top of it all, I get this horrible headache and my eyes burn from crying so much. I know that there are such worse things that other people go through; I know that I will get through this. I know that I will someday be a mom, there is just such sadness that I can't ignore.
I went to Target on the way home; I admit it, I was emotionally shopping. It seemed like every new mom with their new baby was shopping.I know I'm probably just a little more sensitive. The only way I can explain it is I see them and I yearn to be in their place. Then I saw this cute pajama outfit that peeked my curiosity, so I began looking through to find something comfy, and somehow before I knew it I was in the maternity department. I just left without the pajamas. Then I get home and check the mail to find a baby magazine that I apparently signed up for when I signed up on one of those week to week websites. Why does it seem that when you just want to escape from something, there are reminders EVERYWHERE! I know that I have been in survival mode the past few days-just keep going, go to work,think logically about it all.
I know that I have to grieve; I have to allow myself to grieve. If I don't, then I will always find these reminders and feel the pain. From experience I know that there is healing, I just wish it came packaged up with assembly instructions and delivered to my door. I'm not angry at God, and I still have faith that He knows what He is doing; I just didn't think it was going to be this hard.
I went to Target on the way home; I admit it, I was emotionally shopping. It seemed like every new mom with their new baby was shopping.I know I'm probably just a little more sensitive. The only way I can explain it is I see them and I yearn to be in their place. Then I saw this cute pajama outfit that peeked my curiosity, so I began looking through to find something comfy, and somehow before I knew it I was in the maternity department. I just left without the pajamas. Then I get home and check the mail to find a baby magazine that I apparently signed up for when I signed up on one of those week to week websites. Why does it seem that when you just want to escape from something, there are reminders EVERYWHERE! I know that I have been in survival mode the past few days-just keep going, go to work,think logically about it all.
I know that I have to grieve; I have to allow myself to grieve. If I don't, then I will always find these reminders and feel the pain. From experience I know that there is healing, I just wish it came packaged up with assembly instructions and delivered to my door. I'm not angry at God, and I still have faith that He knows what He is doing; I just didn't think it was going to be this hard.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Sad news
For those who keep up with our pursuit of fertility...
Last March we went through another cycle of artificial insemination, and on March 27 we found out the good news that we had conceived. This time the hormone levels went up the way they should. . After losing our last pregnancy, we were cautiously excited, so we decided to not announce this pregnancy until we were a little further along. Two weeks ago we had our first ultrasound, it was a little early, so we didn't get to see the heartbeat yet. A week later we had another ultrasound and we actually saw the heartbeat, but the baby hadn't grown in length from the last ultrasound. I really believed that everything was going to be alright, that maybe it was just a bad measurement. The doctor said it's a good sign that there is a heartbeat, but I'm guarded because it hasn't grown. Disappointed but hopeful, we continued to wait.
Today we had another ultrasound, unfortunately there is no heartbeat, and it hasn't grown at all. Today is nine weeks, but the baby only measures 6 weeks. Again, we face losing another baby. My mind is swimming with so many thoughts, and my heart feels numb. On one hand, I still feel in a state of shock, in another hand, the news doesn't seem as traumatic because we have gone down this path before. I know God is faithful to His promise, I just didn't know it was going to be this hard.
Last March we went through another cycle of artificial insemination, and on March 27 we found out the good news that we had conceived. This time the hormone levels went up the way they should. . After losing our last pregnancy, we were cautiously excited, so we decided to not announce this pregnancy until we were a little further along. Two weeks ago we had our first ultrasound, it was a little early, so we didn't get to see the heartbeat yet. A week later we had another ultrasound and we actually saw the heartbeat, but the baby hadn't grown in length from the last ultrasound. I really believed that everything was going to be alright, that maybe it was just a bad measurement. The doctor said it's a good sign that there is a heartbeat, but I'm guarded because it hasn't grown. Disappointed but hopeful, we continued to wait.
Today we had another ultrasound, unfortunately there is no heartbeat, and it hasn't grown at all. Today is nine weeks, but the baby only measures 6 weeks. Again, we face losing another baby. My mind is swimming with so many thoughts, and my heart feels numb. On one hand, I still feel in a state of shock, in another hand, the news doesn't seem as traumatic because we have gone down this path before. I know God is faithful to His promise, I just didn't know it was going to be this hard.
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