Mommynurse

blog has moved

2008-02-25T19:36:00.000-08:00

http://www.mommynurse.net/

New cool website

2007-06-04T08:37:00.001-07:00

One of the blogs that I follow is in the process of launching this website. Check it out, I already found several cool websites-and it's just starting!

http://www.sk-rt.com/

28 Weeks

2007-05-31T21:47:00.000-07:00

This morning we were able to see our little girl once again via ultrasound. She is doing perfectly! She currently weighs 2 pounds and 14 ounces. Her femur bone (from hip to knee) is 2 inches long. We are officially in the third trimester now. It looks like she we will get to see her sooner than we thought. We were able to get another ultrasound because last time the placenta was covering a portion of the cervix (aka placenta previa). We were hoping that after a few more weeks it would have grown out of the way. Unfortunately, it hasn't, and the doctor wasn't very optimistic that it would any time soon. So what does this mean? a planned C-section. Basically, they don't want me to go into labor because of the risk, and if I do it would mean an emergency C-section. They would probably plan it around 37-38 weeks, which puts us around the first week of August.

At first I was disappointed, but I know that it is only my expectations of having a "normal" delivery. As long as my baby girl is healthy, then I am happy. After going through all of this infertility, I have long since given up the ideal of "natural" and "normal". Thankfully, I am well aware of the risks and the benefits of C-section, so I'm choosing to focus on the benefits (and there are some). I would much prefer to know that I'm having a c-section, than to go into labor and still end up with one. I hear that labor is overrated anyway.

Then I got home and did a little more research, all to find that I'm basically one step away from bedrest. No more traveling, no more exercising, and no more heavy housework (not that I did a lot of that anyway :) Now my biggest concern is keeping her in there as long as possible. As for prayer requests, please pray that there won't be any bleeding, if so then I end up in the hospital and end up on bedrest, but most of all pray that our little girl continues to grow and develop just the way she is supposed to and at least makes it to 36 weeks.

The best news though, is I thought it would be at least 12 weeks before I would see her beautiful face, and not it's only going to be 9-10. Wow! It will be here before we know it!

Savannah Grace

2007-05-07T09:14:00.000-07:00

This week is 25 weeks, so I'm in my 5th month. Savannah is growing fast! She is about 12 inches long and weighs over 1 1/2 pounds. I feel her kick and move around often. It is the most amazing feeling. This past weekend while visiting my sister in Johnson city, I got to choose the bedding for her room. To describe it, it will have shades of pink and green with a vintage storybook print. The colors are richer than the typical pink and green you see for little girls rooms. Once it is made, then I will take a picture and post it. Anyway, I am just so excited to have a direction for the room. Although I don't have the actual room yet, it's nice to have a vision for what it will look like. I can't wait until our house is done, and we can move in and get settled. I think the first room that I will focus on is probably Savannah's. We have waited so long to bring a child into our home. We want it to be just perfect for her!

Zabs tag

2007-05-07T08:54:00.000-07:00

1. What is your main source of news? Internet? T.V.? Newspaper? Do you care?
mostly television, then a little internet. I do care, but should probably care a little more. My tolerance for local news is on the low side. I find they often ask silly questions to people who don't really have an opinion. It also bothers me that the day someone loses a family member that the local news is sticking a microphone in their face asking them how they feel. Well, how do you think they feel? Sorry for the tangent, it's just my opinion.

2. Do you listen to music? a certain kind? All time favorites?
YES I listen to music! I really enjoy music. I have always loved an eclectic variety from classical to rock. Currently I love worship music, and artists like Corrine Bailey Rae, Michael Buble, the Fray, you get the idea.

3. Do you have myspace or facebook?
I have both, but haven't really gotten into facebook yet. I initially got into Myspace in an effort to communicate with Britt'Knee, but have found it to be a great way to keep up with distant friends.

4. Is your interent dial up, cable, DSL? Wireless, Laptop, Desktop? Mac? PC?
Cable, wireless, mac laptop

5. Do you have an ipod? Other MP3 player.
Yes, funny story. Christmas before last, Kyle really wanted a video ipod. So being the thoughtful wife, I bought him one (early because I didn't want them to be out) and even had it engraved. At the time, Kyle was working at Relevant and the staff had a door decorating competition themed Christmas movies, and the prize was a video ipod. Of course, Kyle didn't know that he already had one, so he was pretty enthusiastic about decorating the door and really trying to win. I had to be enthusiastic too, because I didn't want him to suspect that he already had one. We went all out and worked very hard to hopefully win. Everyone at Relevant is pretty creative, so I thought that our chances weren't that great. Needless to say, he won the door contest. We went home and I handed him his Christmas gift, he was so suprised! In the end, I won-so all our hard work was still worth it.

I love my ipod-listen to it in the car, on walks, in the house. I love having all my music easily accessible to me.

6. Are you addicted to the internet? How long are you on? What are you on for? work? social? research? news? all?
I am not addicted to the internet. Although recently I have spent more time on it then I used to. I don't really even know how long I'm usually on. I mostly use it to keep up with blogs, shopping, the occasional research when I'm interested in something.

change of plans

2007-05-03T20:38:00.000-07:00

So the latest news is that Britt'Knee has decided to visit her sister in Hawaii for the summer with Elizabeth. It's been quite an emotional roller coaster, but the Lord has given us such peace about it. I have been willing for whatever it is that God would have for our family. There is a scripture that my husband often reminds me of, Proverbs 16:9 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." We made plans for them to move here at the end of the month, but obviously the Lord has determined otherwise. Is the story over? Not sure, but at the moment, I am not planning either way.

the craziness of life

2007-04-25T19:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had one of those days where the world seemed completely overwhelming. So today I slowed down and spent some time with the Lord which is what I needed for the world to seem more manageable. So you may wonder what seems so overwhelming in my life right now? Let's see where do I begin?

Kyle's business is going very well, in fact we just hired our first employee. We are very excited about the growth, but with growth comes growing pains. We are in the process of figuring out all the details.

Our house is coming along-they finished putting up the brick yesterday and will put the insulation in this week. We are still on target for it to be done by August-just in time for baby's arrival. It's fun to build a custom home, but there are a lot of decisions to be made every step of the way.

I am loving being pregnant-baby is growing, and is reminding me that she is there quite often. It is the most amazing feeling inside-one that I have longed for a very long time. It is a true joy! So her name is (drumroll please.....) Savannah Grace! God's grace has been an open plain for us and continues to be-which is what her name means. We've come up with several other names that we like, but we feel like this is her name.

I've been working on the registry stuff, and I'm close to being done. I've decided to register at Babies R'Us and Amazon.com I figure between the two I can find just about anything. I finally picked out the crib-which was harder for me than I thought, but I'm excited about the choice. Whenever I get it and get the room ready (which won't be until the house is done) I will post some pics of the nursery.

We are living in a house that is on the market. We hope that it sells quickly (for my dad's sake). It's always fun trying to keep a house in a constant state of "ready to be shown in a moments notice". The house itself is a true blessing though. It's more house than I think I ever want, but for the 3-4 rooms that we use, it is nice to stretch out and I get to sleep in my bed!

The most exciting thing going in our life is this in a nutshell--Britt'knee and Elizabeth.

So if you haven't heard about Britt'knee and Elizabeth I will try to give you a quick run down. Last November we started looking into the adoption process, which included a home study and looking into adoption agencies. Then a girl in our church contacted us about Britt'knee. She is an 18 year old girl that has a 3 year old girl named Elizabeth. Britt'knee was looking for someone to take care of her daughter, because she (Britt'knee) has leukemia and was given a very poor prognosis. When we heard the story, we immediately responded with a "yes" we will take her. Then for weeks we heard nothing. In the meantime, we got pregnant and made plans to move to Nashville. On the day our house sold, we received a call that Britt'knee was ready to talk again. We called her and then followed several e-mail conversations with no concrete time frame as to when we would meet. Then in the middle of March, Kyle and I drove down and spent the day with Britt'knee. Since then we talk to her almost everyday, and she has agreed to move in with us with her daughter as soon as school is over (which is May 22). So what does that mean? Our life is about to turn upside down! Taking in a 3 year old and her mother sounds crazy, but for some reason (it must be God) I am excited and peaceful about it. There are so many questions and uncertainties about what this is going to look like-when I think about them or when people bring them up, the only answer I have is "I don't know" but I am learning to trust. God reminded me today that His grace is sufficient, and it will be for us too. God has brought us to this place, and He is not going to leave me hanging. Will it be hard? Absolutely, probably the hardest thing I've ever done, but will it be worth it? Absolutely. We are looking forward to welcoming Britt'knee and Elizabeth into our family.

Itsa

2007-04-07T15:27:00.000-07:00

Our 'itsa' party was a success! The weather was a bit cold, but we braved the snow flurries and still had our egg hunt. Friends and family came and were given instructions to find all the eggs, and then come in to open them together. It didn't take long to find the 9 dozen plastic eggs hidden in my parent's backyard. I think the cold was great incentive! We came back in, and everyone started opening up their eggs to see if they had the prize. Immediately, our friend Jim opened the pearly pink egg and found the message. He graciously handed it to my mom saying "I think you may want this." My mom read it and then shouted it to the crowd "It's a girl!" The whole room erupted in excitement. I hugged my mom as she cried with joy. Unfortunately, in the midst of excitement I accidentally turned the video off on my camera. But the moment will forever be etched in my memory. We then enjoyed a great brunch that included ham rolls, potato salad, fruit salad, and yum-yum cake (a Kitchell family favorite)! Thanks to all for making this moment memorable and exciting!

Attention all moms!

2007-04-02T20:39:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I started just LOOKING at all the baby stuff, and WOW, it's really overwhelming. I can read reviews and look at must-have lists, but I would really like to solicit the opinions of my friends. I know many of you have done the research and have the experience to say--you have to have..... or this stroller is the best because....

So please friends, take a few minutes and really think about what things you just loved and wouldn't want to be without, and then what things that you bought and never needed. I would greatly appreciate all your input!

Thanks

unconditional love

2007-03-26T09:50:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I was reminded of the human need to experience unconditional love. Can you imagine if you had never experienced it from another person? If your own parents didn't express unconditional love and acceptance, and then as you get older nobody ever challenged your warped idea of love.

It amazes me how far a little love really does go. When Jesus says, "love one another", he not only gave us a command but he gave us the answer. The answer to all of our hurts and fears is love. I am being challenged to reconsider how I love. Do I love only those that I know and love me in return? When is the last time that I have extended sacrificial love to someone with no guarantee as to how they would respond? Loving my husband, friends, and family is easy, but how about a complete stranger? I'm finding that loving a stranger is easy too, all it takes is me to open up my heart and allow God to love that person. To love someone whom I don't know and haven't even met is foreign to my flesh, but it feels like home to my soul. I know that God's love can move mountains, I guess sometimes I forget that He actually wants to use me to move a mountain or two.

So sorry!

2007-03-20T19:13:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry that I have gotten out of the blogging world. I finally broke down and dove into the world of myspace. It has been a lot of fun finding old friends. It can be a little addicting trying to track down people. But I'm back now-and hopefully won't take another sabbatical for a while.

I LOVE being pregnant! The baby is doing great! We are 18 weeks tomorrow, and so far everything is going as planned. We find out what we are having a couple of days before Easter. My mom and I had the idea to have a party to reveal what the gender is. Then one thing led to another and we named it the "Itsa" party!" The party is going to be the day before Easter, so for the reveal we are going to have an Easter egg hunt, but only one egg will have the prize information. It is going to be a lot of fun watching all the kids and adults out looking for Easter eggs :) Both my mom and my sister are asking for hints or to find out early, but NOBODY will know (except for Kyle of course!) I know it sounds a little cheesy, but we are going to make the most of every bit of this pregnancy! I'll have Kyle post pics of the Egg hunt-so you can find out too!

It took me a while to really embrace the idea of being pregnant. I think for me it felt extremely surreal. It wasn't until my husband took me shopping and insisted that I buy maternity clothes, that I finally broke down and did it. My aren't they more comfortable.

I have to keep reminding myself that for every child walking around, a woman was pregnant. For every pregnant belly around, a woman is going through the same thing that I am. But for some reason, it feels different. It feels like this is the most special thing that has ever happened. It feels like everyone knows how amazing this is. The truth is, it is amazing and special, but no more for me than any other woman. I feel so privileged and honored that God would choose me to carry this child. That he would give me the opportunity to feel life growing inside of me. To sum it all up, I am blessed. Kyle and I both astounded by how blessed we truly are.

to God be the glory

2007-02-07T21:42:00.000-08:00

For those of you who don't know......

We are pregnant, and this time it looks like for good (well at least for 9 months)! Last November, we decided to do one more IUI (artificial insemination), and to both of our surprise- it worked!

Today, we had our first appointment with the OB, as well as an ultrasound. At 12 weeks, the baby looks great! Peanut measures perfectly, the heart is beating at 163 bpm, and it's moving around. It was so amazing to see it moving around on the screen and see it's little body forming. It's only about 2 1/2" now, but already you can make out all the body parts. I've been somewhat guarded this time. Our first ultrasound at 7 weeks was a major hurdle, but I still found myself holding my breath. Then our 9 week ultrasound was an even bigger hurdle, so after that I started accepting the idea more and more. Sidenote: I haven't as much as looked at a pregnancy magazine at this point. Today, we were able to officially get out of the first trimester, and statistically chances are much better if you make it to this point. After the appointment, Kyle and I celebrated by going to one of our favorite Nashville spots. Then my mom and I went and bought like 4 pregnancy books. Now I can officially say, I am excited!!!

This morning I read Romans 4:20-22, " He did not waver at the promise of God through unbelief, but was strengthened through faith, giving God the glory, and being fully convinced that what He had promised He was able to perform, and therefore it was accounted to him for righteousness."

I feel like so much of this journey has been a lesson of faith for me. I feel myself coming out on the other side stronger in my faith, being fully convinced that He keeps His promises. My heart is overflowing with gratitude and joy to my Lord and Savior, for what He has done, and what He is doing in my life. I am humbled by His generosity and thoughtfulness, to go beyond my expectations. Truly, God is great!

Decompress

2007-01-31T17:22:00.000-08:00

After weeks of stress between moving, selling the house, and finishing work, I find myself in a mode of decompressing or some might say 'destressing'. There are still several things in our life that remain uncertain, but God is continuing to teach me to trust Him. I've been a believer most of my life, so believing in God comes easy, but it has only been in the past year, that I have found a deep trust in Him. Trusting in His plan each step of the way is definitely getting easier. When you have been praying and believing for something, it's almost like reading a book, and there is a part of me that wants to know how the story ends. Sometimes God doesn't give us that word of confirmation that helps us know how the story ends. Sometimes He gives us just enough to turn the page and read the next chapter. One chapter at a time, each one requiring more faith. The closer to the end you get the more you hope that it all ends the way you want it to. Sometimes the ending isn't what we think it should be, but we learn to trust that God's ending is better than ours.

Now off the philosphophical note-so far my time has been spent unpacking and settling in. It's nice to not have an agenda, although I'm certain my time will be full. I will be helping Kyle with his business a few days a week, and then help my dad with his business some. In the meantime, my sister gets married in 2 months, so there are lots of final details to work out, and then we are building a house on top of it all. Although, I'm not using my master's degree at the moment, it's nice to take a little sabbatical and do something different, which also allows me a little more flexibility.

We are Nashvillians!

2007-01-29T18:12:00.000-08:00

On Friday we loaded the first pod (portable on demand) system, which by the way is definitely the way to move when you're house isn't going to be ready for 6 more months. Then Saturday we had lots of friends who really love us show up to help us finish loading. The guys loaded all the stuff, and the girls helped me clean the house. We were completely done by 2pm. Thank you to everyone who came and helped us. It meant so much to us, and relieved a lot of stress as well. Since we finished so early, we decided to go ahead and get on the road. We made it to the halfway mark in Macon, Georgia. We then woke up Sunday morning and made it to Nashville by 1 pm. The entire trip went without a hitch. Even the dogs did great! They are extremely excited about their new surroundings, and are trying to adjust to their cousin "Lucy" (my parent's old bassett hound). Anyway, it's nice to be back home. It's strange being back, so far it just feels like we are here visiting, but somehow I have my car to drive around. I think after a few days of being here, it will set in that we aren't on vacation.

Our house sold!

2007-01-24T16:50:00.000-08:00

So it is now setting in that we are actually moving. After weeks of house showings and trying to keep the house immaculate, we accepted an offer on the house last Saturday. What a relief it is to have sold our house! We have known for a while that God was calling us back to Nashville, but the timing has been the question. Selling the house was the confirmation that I was looking for to know that the time is now! Mom showed up today to help pack, and my last day at my job is Friday. (A little word of advice: when moving, let your last day of work be a few days before you move, not the day before :) I'll keep everyone posted!
'

We are moving!

2007-01-08T21:29:00.000-08:00

Finally, we have a moving date! The last weekend in January (probably the 27th or 28th), Kyle, Kristy, java, & maggie will load up and head back to Nashville. Our house hasn't sold yet, but we are confident that it will. Our house in Nashville is underway, they are already framing. Until it's ready, we will be living with my parents. I will miss my friends in Florida, but I am ready to be back near family. I'm most looking forward to starting fresh. This past year has been so difficult in some ways, I am anxious to start a new year in a new environment. I'll keep you updated.

Life can be good

2006-10-05T17:13:00.000-07:00

My mom is visiting from Nashville, so I took a day off to spend time with her. We had the best day just hanging out together. Tonight we were both cooking dinner in the kitchen, and listening to Christmas music (yes, we start listening to Christmas music pretty early) and we both just had this moment that life is good. In the busyness of life, often times I don't slow down enough to really stop and enjoy the moments in life that are so sweet. Life goes by so quickly, so it's that much more important to captivate the moments that remind of us how sweet it is!

Philosophy of life

2006-10-03T19:14:00.000-07:00

When we moved into our house, the landscaping was so bad, that we decided it would be better to go without. Then came the problem of perfectionism. I knew I could just plant some bushes and call it good, but I wanted more. So last Saturday I decided to go to a local nursery, instead of Home depot, and serendipitously found the answer to a lot of my landscaping problems. First of all, selection is key. This place has lots of options which is crucial when trying to landscape. Secondly, the owner, Shirley, has been doing this for over 40 years, and was more than willing to give me a lesson on landscaping. I left the nursery with a renewed confidence to attempt to landscape my front yard. Shirley left me with this bit of wisdom, ther are no rules with landscaping as long as you like it. Now instead of trying to find the perfect design and the perfect plants, I'm just going for it.

The first step in the landscaping process required that I take up two years worth of mulch. It was extremely hot and for a girl who is not used to manual labor, it was a bit of a challenge. As I'm raking and shoveling mulch, I thought if I were in a concentration camp then my life would depend on my ability to keep going. Then I thought to myself, live as if your life depended on it, because it does. Now I'm sure that's not an original thought, but for me, profound. So I kept working with a renewed sense of commitment.

On another note, I admit it, I enjoy watching Oprah. It's interesting and often entertaining, however, yesterday's show just made me so mad. Oprah's philosophy of life-"Live your own truth". What? What is that? What about God's truth? This world we live in is just continuing to buy into the lies of the enemy and our society just keeps accepting it as "truth". Since when is sexual sin "personal truth". The body of Christ needs so much more awareness and equipping to fight for truth. It made me want to support ministries like Exodus even more. Selfishly, I'm glad to know that Jesus is coming back soon, but I know that as joyful as that is to me, for so many it will be a day of regret.

Disappointing news once again

2006-08-18T12:14:00.000-07:00

Well for those of you who knew, we did IVF for the first time. Unfortunately today we found out that we were unsuccessful. It is extremely disappointing, but nothing like the miscarriages. I have endured daily shots since July 6, sometimes three times a day, (thankfully, Kyle was pretty good with the IM injections) a surgery with anesthesia, a transfer (I had no idea that Valium would make you feel so loopy), and three days of bedrest. All to find out that we are no further along than when we started. For some reason, it just wasn't a good cycle. I didn't respond to the medications well; only one side produced eggs. Then only 3 out of the 7 eggs fertilized. The quality of the eggs wasn't the best, so they decided to transfer then sooner rather than later. Now Kyle and I are faced with the decision of what's next. I think we will start to seriously look into adoption, and we will consider trying IVF one more time. Meanwhile, I would appreciate your prayers. Sometimes it just feels like I will never have a baby, but I know that isn't the truth. I will continue to hold onto the word that the Lord gave me, this is my test, but it will be my testimony. So I know I will have a baby, it's just a matter of how and when.

our new addition

2006-08-03T18:06:00.000-07:00

Kyle brought home our latest addition to our family, Maggie. She is cute, mostly housebroken, and I think Java is warming up to her. They are so funny together. Sometimes they are fighting over a toy, and then moments later they are playing together. It's taken Java a little time to realize that she is here to stay. At first Java pouted a lot and acted like we no longer loved her, but after lots of extra attention she knows she is still our puppy.

We go on vacation on Saturday, and I can't wait to get away and relax. The nice thing about working a lot, is that vacation is much sweeter and extremely needed. It will be good to be with family, my parents, grandpa, sister and her boyfriend are all coming down, so we will have lots of fun. I love going to Destin. It's not just about being at the beach, it's about revisiting a place that is familiar and full of sweet memories. My family has been going to the same condo in Destin since I was about 10 years old. The first time I ever saw the ocean was in Destin. I'll never forget climbing up the steps of the boardwalk and seeing the vast beautiful ocean. Then to discover that the sand was so soft, almost like God mixed flour and sugar together. I can't wait to just be-to read a book, long talks with the people I love, walks on the beach at sunset, great seafood, and lots of sleep to catch up on.

Work to live or live to work?

2006-07-01T22:10:00.000-07:00

Today I was talking to my boss and he mentions to me that he has trouble finding people who are willing to work as hard as he does. (He works insane hours without a break-EVER). He explained that there was plenty of time to rest......when we are old, incontinent, and bedridden!

Personally I have never talked to an elderly person who regrets working too little. They always regret not enjoying life, or not spending enough time with friends and family.

So tonight a few of my girlfriends and I went to see the movie The Devil Wears Prada. Without ruining the whole crux of the movie, I will tell you that this young idealistic girl who wants to be a journalist ends up working for a fashion industry mogel. In the movie, she is always having to sacrifice her personal life for her boss's calls and outrageous demands. While I am in the movie, someone pages me. It's dark, so I can't read the number, but I think to myself I will go out and call them back in a minute. Well then I notice that someone tried to call my cell phone too. I notice that it is none other than my boss! I walk out of the theater and call him back, all to find out that he was worried that my pager wasn't working, and since I hadn't called back in 15 minutes, he tried calling my cell phone. Then when he couldn't reach me he called a coworker to get my home phone. When I called him back, he says that he had a patient say they paged the nurse and no one called back. I explained to him that I hadn't received any pages, and that I did receive his page. So then he asks for my home phone for future reference.

Isn't it ironic?

Don't you think?

A little too ironic?

I keep telling myself that this is just short term-until I hire more staff, but I am starting to wonder if it will ever be enough. I wonder if my boss will ever understand my desire to have a life outside of work. I know that I am making some sacrifices for the sake of my career, but ultimately I know that my desire is to be a mom and I won't let my "job" dictate my life. I think the saddest part of it all is wondering just how much of life my boss is missing.

Obviously we have to work-but to what extent?
We work so hard, to have so many things, so that we can work more to have more things that we never really enjoy.

This past month I haven't been able to just be in my house during the day. I didn't even realize what I was missing, until last weekend. Kyle and I were both at home and had nothing on the agenda. For the first time in a long while, I felt like I was able to enjoy my home as opposed to just sleeping and eating in it.

Life was meant to be lived, and living encompasses much more that just work!

I'm back!

2006-07-01T21:59:00.000-07:00

These past couple of months have been very challenging. I have allowed myself to grieve this last miscarriage, but at the same time I have had to fight feelings of depression. Even though I knew that the enemy wanted my sadness to become depression, there were times that being depressed was attractive. I had this gut wrenching nagging feeling that didn't seem to go away, and the tears-just kept coming. I was so tired of crying!

Thankfully, I am starting to feel emotiionally healthy again. My job has kept me EXTREMELY busy and time has provided healing. As for the baby journey, we are in the process of starting IVF soon. I'm not sure how much of it I will blog, but I will try to keep everyone posted.

closure

2006-05-11T18:41:00.000-07:00

Monday I had one more ultrasound, just to make sure it was really over. There was absolutely no change since our first ultrasound 4 weeks ago. There was no heartbeat, and no growth. The doctor could see where the lining was starting to breakdown. We decided to proceed with a D&C. The advantages of having the surgery outweighed the alternative of waiting. Since this is our second miscarriage, it raises the obvious question, why? By having the D&C, we could get embryonic genetic testing for sure. If it is abnormal, then that would explain why this baby didn't make it. However, if it's normal, then there is probably something else going on that may be causing the miscarriages. Secondly, the surgery allows for a quicker physical recovery, which in turn is easier emotionally. Some people have said to me I should just have faith and believe in life. For the past several weeks, I have had faith and believed that my baby was going to be ok, but at some point I have to accept the fact that I have lost another baby. The baby had already died, and I knew it. So yesterday we went to the hospital and had the surgery. It's never fun having surgery, but since I have had this surgery before it was pretty easy. I've been taking it easy today, and it has been really nice to just have a day to relax and recooperate. There is still a part of me that is very sad that this is over, but at least I can now accept it and move forward.

Thankfully, I have had lots of encouragement and support, especially from my husband. I am so blessed to have a husband who holds me up when I'm down and loves me through one of the toughest seasons of my life thus far. Kyle thank you for being my rock and my partner. I love you more and more each day.

Raw

2006-05-05T14:50:00.000-07:00

Today has been hard. I'm not sure why one day is worse than others, but for some reason it is. I've been on the brink of tears all day. If I let myself think about it all, the tears just start coming. On top of it all, I get this horrible headache and my eyes burn from crying so much. I know that there are such worse things that other people go through; I know that I will get through this. I know that I will someday be a mom, there is just such sadness that I can't ignore.

I went to Target on the way home; I admit it, I was emotionally shopping. It seemed like every new mom with their new baby was shopping.I know I'm probably just a little more sensitive. The only way I can explain it is I see them and I yearn to be in their place. Then I saw this cute pajama outfit that peeked my curiosity, so I began looking through to find something comfy, and somehow before I knew it I was in the maternity department. I just left without the pajamas. Then I get home and check the mail to find a baby magazine that I apparently signed up for when I signed up on one of those week to week websites. Why does it seem that when you just want to escape from something, there are reminders EVERYWHERE! I know that I have been in survival mode the past few days-just keep going, go to work,think logically about it all.

I know that I have to grieve; I have to allow myself to grieve. If I don't, then I will always find these reminders and feel the pain. From experience I know that there is healing, I just wish it came packaged up with assembly instructions and delivered to my door. I'm not angry at God, and I still have faith that He knows what He is doing; I just didn't think it was going to be this hard.

Sad news

2006-05-01T15:49:00.000-07:00

For those who keep up with our pursuit of fertility...
Last March we went through another cycle of artificial insemination, and on March 27 we found out the good news that we had conceived. This time the hormone levels went up the way they should. . After losing our last pregnancy, we were cautiously excited, so we decided to not announce this pregnancy until we were a little further along. Two weeks ago we had our first ultrasound, it was a little early, so we didn't get to see the heartbeat yet. A week later we had another ultrasound and we actually saw the heartbeat, but the baby hadn't grown in length from the last ultrasound. I really believed that everything was going to be alright, that maybe it was just a bad measurement. The doctor said it's a good sign that there is a heartbeat, but I'm guarded because it hasn't grown. Disappointed but hopeful, we continued to wait.

Today we had another ultrasound, unfortunately there is no heartbeat, and it hasn't grown at all. Today is nine weeks, but the baby only measures 6 weeks. Again, we face losing another baby. My mind is swimming with so many thoughts, and my heart feels numb. On one hand, I still feel in a state of shock, in another hand, the news doesn't seem as traumatic because we have gone down this path before. I know God is faithful to His promise, I just didn't know it was going to be this hard.

It's not too bad

2006-03-18T10:48:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning and after fixing my hair the way I usually do, it's not too bad. Kyle and friends at work actually like it. It has more tones to it-a little bit of blonde, a bit of red, and a little bit of my natural. It kind of gives me that sunkissed look-which come to think of it, now is the time to look sunkissed even if my skin is still white as a ghost. I've been wearing my hair curly since the beginning of February, and it has cut down my get ready time by at least 15 minutes. Growing up I always wanted curly hair, and even tried the spiral perms. That was a horrible idea! The perm took on about half of my hair-needless to say it is definitely my worst school picture. Fast forward to now-there are great products and the curly hair look doesnt' require beautiful spiral curls-a nice messy wave look actually passes. So one day I went to Target and bought curly hair products and a diffuser-and came up with my present style. Everyone seemed to like it and it's much easier-so for now curly hair will be my do. Regarding the bronze orange tint to my hair, again I think it just takes time getting used to something different. For all my friends that don't get to see me on a day to day basis-I'll try to post some pics.

Wannabee Irish Rock Star

2006-03-17T19:35:00.000-08:00

I wore green today, not because I'm Irish, but because I have traumatic memories of not wearing green. I remember one St. Patrick's Day in middle school that I showed up to school and didn't have green on. The rest of the day I endured the incessant question "Where is your green?" and then was pinched repeatedly. By the end of the day the backs of my arms were actually sore. Needless to say, I always wear green on St. Patrick's Day, even though I'm not Irish and I don't really celebrate this Irish holiday.

I have this love/hate relationship with getting my hair done. I love the process of having my hair washed cut and styled, however I hate the process of deciding what I want. I went today to a new girl. I should have known this wasn't a good fit when I called this morning and got a same day appointment. Then the obvious question-what do you want done? I just needed my roots highlighted and a trim. Sounds simple enough right? Wrong. Well then I find out that the girl who did my hair last time didn't write down what she did. Then they always ask me all of these questions--toner, low lights, bleach, length? I don't know, I thought this was why I was paying almost $200. Why can't I just say what I want and then they know how to make it happen? She fixed my hair and I walked out looking like a wannabee 80's rock star. My hair was frizzy and huge, not to mention somehow my bangs are bronze and orange? Hmm, I'm pretty sure I didn't ask for that.

So at the end of the day with my green shirt and my frizzy hair-I felt like a wannabee Irish Rock star.

waiting game

2006-03-15T15:11:00.000-08:00

Everything went very well on Monday with the IUI. No problems this time. Now we wait--in a couple of weeks we will know if we are pregnant. So please hope and pray with us!!

Maybe this time

2006-03-11T08:28:00.000-08:00

For those who want the details of our latest fertilty efforts-read on....

We decided to do another cycle of IUI (intrauterine Insemination). Instead of an oral medication (Clomid), I am taking an injectable stimulation medication called "Follistim". Thankfully, needles don't bother me, so giving myself a shot isn't really a big deal. It ihas been a little strange working for my doctor. I realize that it really isn't anything to him, it's more my own insecurities. So I am getting over that real quick. Every few days I have had an ultrasound and bloodwork to monitor how well the follicles are developing. My last ultrasound on Thursday showed four follicles on the left. For those wondering what a follicle is, an egg develops in a follicle. Apparently, the right is on vacation. So tonight I give myself an HCG shot that helps prepare the ovaries to release the egg, and Monday is the big day-so everyone pray that this will be the time that God fulfills His promise.

The verse I am standing on, loosely translated Hebrews 11:11, "By faith I have received strength to conceive seed, even though the doctors have said that my womb is aged, because I have judged God to be faithful to His promise." After Monday, begins the waiting game. I'll keep everyone updated.

Ethics?

2006-03-11T08:02:00.001-08:00

Thankfully, my job is going very well. As I expected, the part-time status was short-lived. It's kind of hard to be in management and not be there all the time. Somehow working full-time at this job isn't as stressful. Granted I am still trying to figure out when to do laundry, buy groceries, and clean house, but thankfully I have help with those responsibilities. I know that I am very blessed to have a husband who helps out around the house. I guess I have his mom to thank for that.

There was an ethical issue that arose that was kind of challenging this week. Basicallly, we had homosexual male couples contacting our office requesting our services. This brings up enumerous issues-legally and ethically. The doctor and a few of the staff met, and it was totally looking like they couldn't find a reason to not take care of this type of patient. I was really trying not to ignore my personal beliefs, but instead give alternative reasons why this wasn't a good idea. At one point the doctor looked at me and asked is this going to be an issue that you may just walk out on. I explained that I hadn't quite made a decision, but was trying to keep my personal beliefs in perspective yet maintain my professionalism. I was praying hard about what stand to take, and Friday I realized that I just needed to ask God to close that door and give the doctor wisdom. Friday night a friend at work called and said that she could tell that I wasn't on board with the idea, yet I was being professional about the issue. She did more research, and found FDA regulations that inhibit us from taking care of this type of patient. PRAISE GOD! My prayers have been answered. He gave me the opportunity to explain my perspective but He relieved me from having to make a very difficult decision. It reminds me of the importance of our laws and the importance of the Christian community being active in developing our laws and regulations.

Back in the saddle again

2006-03-02T17:40:00.000-08:00

I am so amazed how God has truly provided. I am loving my job. I'm learning a lot, and I am finding that work doesn't stress me out as much anymore. Since I have been working as a nurse, there is this underlying stress. When you know that every decision made has consequences, and could be life or death decisions, the weight of that responsibility seems so daunting at times. There are times when I really questioned if I could handle it; I always did, but I didn't always want to. This is the first time in a very long time that my job doesn't really carry that stress. Even though I loved having my time off, I'm back in the saddle again and am loving it.

On another note, after waiting the necessary time post miscarriage, we are officially trying to get pregnant again. The best news-I get a discount because I work there. I won't bore everyone with all the details again, but I'll keep everyone updated on any significant news. So in that aspect of my life, I'm also back in the saddle again.

my first week

2006-02-26T18:52:00.000-08:00

My new job is going pretty well. As always, it has its challenges-the learning curve, managment issues, etc. Everyone is so nice though, and its great to finally be working in an environment that I feel supported and encouraged. My management responsibilities are a new skill for me to refine, but thankfully I inherited my dad's analytical/organizational skills. Thanks dad!

On a spiritual note, the enemy has been working overtime! I have a heightened awareness of the battle that we face in the Spirit. God keeps asking, "Do you really trust me?" Because if we did REALLY trust Him, we would give Him our anxieties, our struggles, and concerns, and then trust that He took care of it. Sometimes I find myself giving a situation to Him, and then before I know it I'm worried about it. As I was worrying, the Lord just asked, "have you given this to Me?........... then let Me have it." I'm learning to trust. The word that I am holding onto is "No weapon formed against me shall prosper." The enemy has no weapon, no tactic that can harm us if we really do trust Him, So although the struggle is real, I am fighting harder than I have probably ever fought. I know that the battle is already won, but I am learning to trust that His purpose and process is greater than we can understand in the natural.

In Honor

2006-02-20T15:33:00.001-08:00

This past weekend has been quite challenging. I found out on Saturday that my grandmother passed away. Unfortunately she lived in Arkansas, and they had a horrible icestorm over the weekend. Not to mention that my first day on the job was today. My dad called me and basically said "don't come"! Well this brings quite a dilemma. Go-and be there for my grandmother's funeral and miss my first day on the job, or stay-accepting my father's request and miss her funeral. Then add on the fact that I really wasn't very close to her. Because of the timing of it all, I had to make the decision with very little time to really think about it. After many tears and advice, I decided to not go.

Then came the struggle. It has been a two day battle mentally and emotionally. The decision was made, and it was too late to change my mind. I had to come to peace with the fact that I wasn't going to be there. It all came down to wanting to be there to honor my dad and his heritage. My dad is the kind of man who always puts others first, especially his girls. Because of this, you never really know what he needs or what he wants. I had to trust him that if he wanted me there he would have given me some indication, and I would have been there in a heartbeat.

So last night I was really struggling with this decision that I had made- I felt like I was missing the mark as a granddaughter and as a daughter. The Lord so clearly revealed to me that if God is the mark, then I can never miss it. Sometimes we are forced to make decisions without really getting a chance to ask the Lord and wait for His response. These are the times that we have to trust the Spirit in us, to guide us, and with that we will never go wrong.

My first day on the job was good. A bit overwhelming, not as welcoming as I would have liked, but I survived. I'm truly trying to just take it one day at a time, so maybe tomorrow I will tell you a little bit more about the job.

Today-I want to honor my grandmother, Eva Kitchell, although I couldn't be there today, I was there in heart. The woman who raised the best dad in the world is now with our Heavenly Father. She is healed, she is whole, and she will be loved and missed.

Latest update

2006-02-12T21:35:00.000-08:00

I've been a little bit out of the blogging world. No real reason except I've been feverishly working on projects around the house. I'm the type of person that routine is good for, but I tend not to implement it unless I have to. During this interim of not working, I find that I become a night owl. I sometimes stay up until 4am, and even then have to tell myself to go to bed because it's late. There is nothing like the quiet of the night, such solitude and focus. I will get in a zone and before I know hours have passed by. So by now I'm sure you are asking "what in the world are you doing until 4am?" Well, honestly mostly organizing and scrapbooking. It's a great sense of accomplishment to get a project done, however I think I may have to give up the notion of ever being "caught up". There are just too many projects/albums that I would like to do. It's nice getting the opportunity to get some of it done though.

Well, my husband gave me a powerbook for my birthday, so now I can enjoy the blogging world from the comforts of my own couch-Yippee! This also means that I need to learn all about MAC usage. I've already discovered the beauty of iphoto-it is so much better than my PC version.

I start my job with my infertility specialist one week from tomorrow. I'm extremely excited, but kind of nervous as well. I love learning, but not all at once. I feel like I'm standing at the bottom of a huge mountain looking up and wondering how in the world am I going to make it up there. (The mountain being the learning curve). Just as God truly handed me this job and opened the doors, I know that He will give me wisdom and strength to begin this next journey. Thanks to everyone for your prayers about my job situation. This whole storyline is definitely one that I know God wrote.

Nashvegas!

2006-01-27T19:32:00.000-08:00

Now that I'm"in between" jobs, I have been able to go to Tennessee and visit family and friends. The women in my extended family have a tradition of getting together, known as the "Chapman Women Hoodalihoo", about once a month and having dinner. Well my Aunt Jen decided to spice things up a bit and told us to wear tennis shoes and a tight fitting shirt. So Jen picked us up and wouldn't tell us anything about where we were going. We arrived to the University School of Nashville, where we asked the parking guy what was going on tonight and of course he responded with the very vague answer of "some plays and classes". We then walk into the building and Jen discreetly shows the guy at the front desk which class we are attending, and tells him that it's a surprise. We arrive to the classroom door, only to find that we are going to a Middle Eastern belly dancing class! Needless to say, it was quite a memory. We all participated, some of us got into it more than others-but most of all we had laughed a lot and had fun. I feel so blessed to have a family that still cherishes each other and makes these efforts to be together, I just wish I could be there for more of them.

I realize that I don't put forth the effort enough to go that extra little bit to try to change the ordinary into something extraordinary. To create a memory is far more memorable, than to merely wait for one. I hope in my near future to create many more memories with the people around me.

Part of the purpose of this trip is to visit my sweet sister in her new home in Johnson City, TN. I'm here now and am amazed at the life that she is creating. I'm so proud of her for taking a huge step of faith to move to a strange place and pursue what God has for her. (And I get to meet her guy tomorrow)

A new chapter

2006-01-24T21:25:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I job shadowed with my infertility specialist-and it went exceptionally well! From the beginning the doctor introduced me to the patients as "our new nurse practitioner". They want me to manage the nursing staff, and then after training I will get to manage patient care including procedures. It sounds like its going to be a great combination of my skills-clinical and managerial. We worked out a schedule-Work Monday, Tuesday OFF Wednesday, Work Thursday, HALF day on Friday-it's a little more than part-time, but I will have a little more free time during the week. Is that not the perfect schedule? They asked when I could start-and I decided to take a little time off-so I said February 15. I'm just waiting for their official offer-salary etc., but it sounds like it's going to be a for sure thing. So I'm very excited, a little overwhelmed as I look at the learning curve ahead, but feeling truly blessed that yet again God provides better than I could have ever imagined.

Turned the corner

2006-01-20T21:20:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately, because of my illness this week I wasn't able to job shadow on Thursday, so I'm going on Monday instead. I was thinking back to the last time I was this sick, and it was seven years ago. I was in college on Christmas break-which ironically was after a very stressful time. So my theory is that my immunity works really hard when I'm busy and can't afford to be sick, and then then the minute I stop and take a break, my immunity decides to go on vacation. Now granted, this theory does not come from my medical knowledge, only personal experience-so take it with a grain of salt.

Today I turned the corner, I woke up and felt like myself again. There is no greater feeling of wellness than after being sick. It makes me realize how often I take feeling well for granted.

Today a friend of mine came over and we scrapbooked together. This may sound strange to some, but it actually is a lot of fun, if you like scrapbooking of course. We didn't get a lot done, but we enjoyed using each other's stuff and talking. I realize that I have been scrapbooking for almost seven years, and in that time period I have collected A LOT of stuff. I am really enjoying getting to catch up on little projects. So far this week I organized our financial files and sorted out last year's paperwork, had digital pictures printed out for the past two years (Thank goodness for Costco photolab-600 pictures later!), and I have started scrapbooking again. I have a lot more projects and plans-as of yet I don't foresee getting bored being unemployed, but hopefully I won't be for very long. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy every minute of it!

I hate being sick!

2006-01-17T14:27:00.000-08:00

Well, suffice it to say on Sunday I started coming down with a chest cold, usually my body is pretty good about fighting these off. Between working in an Emergency room and seeing sick patients all day, my immunity is pretty strong, but not this time.

The timing of it is somewhat ironic. I'm currently not working, so it gives me a great excuse to just sit on the couch and watch tv in between my naps. This typically bothers me because I feel like I'm not being productive, but given the circumstances I'm allowing myself to be the typical couch potato, until I'm well of course.

I really do hate being sick though! I know that nobody likes it, but I really hate it. I guess that's why I work at making others well. Anyway, it's been kind of nice to relax and get rest.

Pray for me on Thursday, I'm going to job shadow with my infertility specialist and discuss specifics. I'm really open to whatever the Lord may have for me in this next season of life, and I know He will reveal it to me. I don't want to just jump on the first thing that comes my way. I really want to know if it is where I belong. At the beginning of the year,I felt like this was going to be a year of truly learning to trust Him. Sometimes its hard, but in regards to my job I have a lot of peace that He has a great plan for me.

tagged!

2006-01-14T19:56:00.000-08:00

Ok, Ok, you got me, here it goes.

The Rules: Write an Blog entry about 5 Guilty Pleasures.
In the end you need to choose
five people to be tagged and list their names.
1. Chocolate-need I say more.
2. Massages, pedicures, etc-Have to agree with Caroline on this one-they are amazing.
3. Time unaccounted for-you know those days that you have all to yourself. You wake up in the morning with little to no agenda and you get to do whatever you like. If you feel like staying home in your pajamas all day or if you just go shopping and buy something you don't really need... to do whatever you like, and no one can tell you otherwise. (Until your husband gets home and asks "what did you do today?") That's when the guilty part sets in.
4. sleeping in-I really wish I was a morning person, but I'm just not. I know that sleeping in isn't even a possibility for all my mommy friends, and soon sleeping in will no longer be an option-but for now, I will enjoy it.
5. Scrapbooking- I like it all from buying supplies, to putting it all together. Some people may not relate, but for me it is my creative outlet and a chance to preserve precious memories.

I'm tagging...Katie, Jackie, Kyle, Vang (if you read this), and whoever else may read this!

I've been released!

2006-01-14T07:54:00.000-08:00

Well, as you may have read in my last post I have been feeling like I needed to make a job change, and have been in the process of pursuing other opportunities. The doctor I have been working with has been increasingly more difficult, and was consistently yelling at me for asking questions. Well yesterday after work, he pulled me into his office and fired me effective immediately. He said that I had the knowledge base and communication skills, but I lacked the confidence. He said that he wasn't in a position that could allow for my learning needs. Then came the moment that you have that pivotal decision-tell him how you really feel or be gracious and professional? I chose the latter, because I know that nothing would come from me telling him my feelings or opinion. I said that I understood, and I thanked him for the opportunity. I stood up to leave and went to shake his hand, and without even looking my way he just walked off.

I packed all my stuff up, said goodbye to the only employee left in the office, and I asked her to tell the other employees that I enjoyed working with them. She was in shock, and I was just wanting to get out of there. Of course, the initial sting is painful. No one likes to get fired, especially the first time. The further away from the office I went the more clear and peaceful the whole thing became.

If I wanted to blame anyone, I could probably blame my mom. She has been praying that I would get out of there, and that he would even fire me. If I would have given my notice, by my contract I was required to give 60 days notice. So God has truly delivered me from this situation, and I know that my mom's prayers and mine have been answered.

God reminded me that He always has a plan, and to just trust Him. Thirty minutes before he fired me, the physician that I have been talking to about working for called and asked if I could shadow him for a day and see if it was a good fit. At the time, I couldn't commit to a day, because I work 5 days a week. So he asked me to call him on Monday when I figured something out. Well now-I've got the whole week! God truly does work in mysterious ways. I don't know if this is where I will end up working, but I do think God was reminding me that it is going to be alright.

At first I felt like this was in someway a reflection on my abilities as a nurse practitioner, but I know that I do a good job. I don't have all the answers, but it's unrealistic to expect me to know everything only 6 months into it. Bottom line, it's a financial move for him. He can hire an experienced nurse practitiioner with a patient base, as opposed to holding onto me, a new grad who apparently asks too many questions, and who is trying to have a family. The reality is he never took the time to really teach me or listen to my questions and concerns and give me the confidence that I was asking for. I recognized that, and so I was trying to get out while I could. He just beat me to it.

Going through this, I realized the most painful part is feeling misunderstood. I don't worry so much about what he thinks, but I hate to think that my patients and co-workers will never really know why I'm not there anymore. Sometimes in life God asks us to be misunderstood, and I hate it, but I know that I have to just let it go and move on.

So life truly is changing. I don't know what is next, but I know that I'm going to enjoy the time I have been given and trust Him to provide.

Issues at hand

2006-01-08T18:55:00.000-08:00

My last post's title was Life is always changing-but I never expanded on that, so here it goes. I have been working as a family nurse practitioner for the past 6 months, and lately I'm realizing that my current job isn't a great fit. I enjoy what I'm doing, however the doctor I work with is increasingly more difficult to work with. I don't really want to get into the specifics. I can handle the personal unprofessionalism, inappropriate comments, and unrealistic expectations, however, I cannot handle seeing the level of my patient's care being compromised. Not to mention that as a nurse practitioner, it's important to work for a physician who is supportive and really has your back. So I'm seriously looking into other options.

My infertility doctor has been asking me to come work for him for sometime, so I contacted them and am waiting to hear back. If I get the job, then I think I'm going to take it. I know that it doesn't look good to only be at a job for 7 months, and the loyalty part of me is saying don't quit. I have never quit a job without a really good reason like I'm moving or I've gotten a better degree. So it's hard for me to feel like this is a good enough reason to move on. Although, every person who I've talked to about the situation says that I should get out while I can. So I'm seriously considering this major job change. So just when you think life is settling, life changes again.

Another issue at hand-
Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like there was a theme? This past Thursday I felt like I came face to face with an issue that I usually don't have to think about too much. It started out with a 17 year old patient who found out she was pregnant, and was very excited about "having a baby". Turns out she was trying to get pregnant, unfortunately her boyfriend didn't realize this until it was too late. So one of my coworkers asked me how I was doing and so I was just being honest, and said that the hardest thing is talking to girls who have either just had or are planning to get an abortion. She then goes on to tell me that she had aborted twins, and that she would have been due now. My heart just sank. It was everything I could do to not just say 'but why, why didn't you give them up for adoption'? But I didn't, I graciously told her that I was sorry. I realized that her grief is so much worse than mine. I had to give my baby up, she didn't. She will always wonder, what if? Then I came home and watched the show ER, which by the way I think I'm really over. I've been watching the show since it's beginning and I keep watching really just to see how it ends. Sometimes the show likes to make political stands-and guess what political issue that they addressed-ABORTION. I couldn't believe it. Thankfully, in one day I was faced with a very sensitive issue on three different occasions, and I didn't crumble.

Although it absolutely infuriates me that there are some insurance companies that actually will pay for an abortion, but that don't cover infertility treatments. Our society will do everything possible to save a wanted fetus, but will make it as easy as possible to kill an unwanted baby. If only our society made it easier to give the child up for adoption or help the mom raise the baby herself. I've always been against abortion, but now that all I want is a baby-I grieve the loss of this unborn generation so much deeper.

Life is always changing!

2006-01-04T10:47:00.000-08:00

So the past few days have been better. I've given myself time to cry and work through the process. This may sound silly to some, but I'm even working on a scrapbook for the baby. I was realizing that I really don't have anything for this baby, so I thought what would I do normally-a baby book. It has been very therapeutic for me, although I'm sure some might think that it's a little extreme. But it's not really for other people, it's for me, and that is why I'm doing it.

Happy New Year!

2006-01-01T22:11:00.000-08:00

I must admit that yesterday was a difficult day. I realized that I had been busying myself the past 2 days, and I finally slowed down. I was taking Christmas decorations down, and somehow found myself extremely emotional. I'm sure there is some correlation between acknowledging Christmas as over and simultaneously acknowledging this pregnancy as over.

I know that God has given me a peace of mind-I know that we will get pregnany again, I know that this was all in God's plan, I know all of those things, but....

my heart is broken. I've not only lost the hope of pregnancy and having a baby in nine months, but I've lost my first child. It's a child that I will never hold, a child that I will never even see his/her face-and not just any child, but our child.

I know that God will make me whole again, but in the meantime I'm giving myself permission to grieve. It's alright to cry and to feel sad, and even at times to be angry, as long as I am always bringing my emotions in line with my peace. And that I believe is the process of true healing for me.

Kyle and I spent New Year's babysitting, which meant we basically sat on the couch together and watched the ball drop-obviously not very exciting or very momentous, but I thing that we both were okay with a somewhat boring strike of the New Year. However, we awoke this morning and went over to our friend's house for breakfast. We relaxed, ate, took naps, and then decided we were hungry again. So then the whole group moved to someone else's house for pizza. After a while of hanging out there, we decided it was time for a movie, so everyone packed up and headed to our house for a movie and taco soup. By the end of the day, we had a spontaneous all-day progressive New Year's that included three different homes and three meals. I don't think we could have planned it if we tried, but somehow it became one of the sweetest and most enjoyable New Year's Day's that I can remember.

Bringing in the New Year

2005-12-31T06:30:00.000-08:00

As I look back at this past year, so much has happened. I know myself well enough that if I don't purposely allow myself the grieving process, that I will let life get busy and just keep going. So I plan to give myself this weekend to do just that. Not that I can put a deadline on the process, but just giving the process time is important.

I'm so excited about the new year, 2006. I truly believe that it will be the year that my promise is fulfilled. God is so amazing. Within the past 2 days, I have had two different friends from college contact me, and I haven't talked to either of them in years. They both were just thinking about me and decided to find out how I was doing. It reminds me that when I'm thinking about someone, that it's probably not just me, but that God has placed them on my mind for a reason.

Something fun and random-my parents-in-laws gave me money for Christmas and at first I didn't know what to do with it. I started thinking about what I would enjoy having that I wouldn't necessarily go buy myself. Then I thought about my china set. I have always been one to enjoy setting a nice table, so over the years I've tried to slowly complete my collection. I drove down to the Lenox outlet store, only to find they were going out of business-which means major markdowns. I was able to get everything to complete a 12-piece place setting and the gravy boat as a bonus for very reasonable prices.

Today is the day of taking down Christmas. This is always sad for me, because I love Christmas so much, and I love how festive the house feels when it's decorated. One thing I'm learning though, is it will be here again before you know it.

And this ride ends...

2005-12-28T20:22:00.000-08:00

Well today we woke up early and went for a more thorough ultrasound at the hospital. The ultrasound technician thought she saw something near the right ovary, and was concerned that it may be an ectopic pregnancy, aka "tubal". So we went to the fetal diagnostic center and the radiologist himself did another ultrasound.

It's funny how your prayers change so quickly. One minute I'm praying for a miracle, then the next minute I'm praying that my fallopian tubes are saved.

Good news-there is no tubal pregnancy... Bad news-the radiologist confirmed that there was 0% chance for this pregnancy. Seeing that in the past week there has been no change is the confirmation that I needed. So my infertility specialist scheduled me for surgery at 1pm today.

Again I was reminded of the previous waiting room phrase, I literally spent all morning in a waiting room. I thought that I would be extremely nervous, but I wasn't. I totally felt at peace and the grace was more than enough.

The nurses and doctors were all amazing. The actual surgery is a breeze for me. Breathe deep, breathe deep... and the next thing you know they are telling you to wake up. I woke up crying, not because I was in any pain, but because I knew that it really was over.

I have to take it easy for the next couple of days, and my husband is being a wonderfully attentive caretaker. Surprisingly enough, so far I've not had any pain or cramping. Again God's grace is sufficient.

Thank you to all who have made this journey with us. Your prayers and support are a lifeline to us.

Another big day!

2005-12-27T19:36:00.000-08:00

Well today we went for our repeat ultrasound, and as far as the doctor can tell there has no change. He terms it as a "anembryonic pregnancy", meaning that a fertilized egg implanted, but never grew to become an embryo. So he recommended a D&C tomorrow. So after discussing the risks and reasons we scheduled the procedure at Arnold Palmer tomorrow.

Then later this afternoon, the nurse called with my hormone level results-they are going up! So now the doctor wants to get a better ultrasound done at the hospital first thing in the morning. What does all this mean? Well it either means what we originally thought, that this isn't a viable pregnancy and we will proceed with the D&C, or it means that it may be an ectopic pregnancy which is an entirely different issue, or the best possibility is that God is performing a miracle.

Obviously, I would love the latter, but I'm at peace with the other possibilities. I have realized that having faith is not so much about believing for a miracle, but it's about believing and trusting in the One who performs the miracles. No matter what happens trusting God that His plan is truly better even if I don't understand it.

I'm praying for a good night's rest tonight (I tend to have trouble sleeping the night before big events), for Kyle to have strength, and for us both to have peace and wisdom.

So the roller coaster continues-I'm still holding on,
still holding my breath,
there are times that I want to scream,
but I know I'm secure
and I know that this ride will end
and I know that I'm not riding it alone.

It's not over 'til it's over!

2005-12-22T15:02:00.000-08:00

Last night we had our Nashville pastor and his family over for dinner. They prayed over us and the overwhelming sense in the room is "this isn't over until it's over". God still has every capability to perform a miracle. Although I have accepted the possibility that God may choose a different path, I am believing and asking God to perform a miracle for 'this' baby. I'm not going to give up on my child-no matter what the doctor says.

So today I feel hopeful. I'm still pregnant. If it weren't for the ultrasound and blood test I would be happily pregnant not knowing anything is possibly wrong. But I do know, and that is no reason to ignore the report, but it is reason to stand in faith and believe for a miracle. My life is a living testimony of God's faithfulness and I know that this entire process is a way that I can give Him all the glory. I'm thankful for the trial, knowing that the promise is still true, and the blessing is still coming.

The whole earth is a waiting room

2005-12-21T08:13:00.000-08:00

The hardest part now is waiting. I was reminded of a very profound word that my little sister was given years ago in the midst of a trial- "The whole earth is a waiting room". Just when we think we have arrived, there will be something else that we are wanting and waiting for. While driving into work yesterday I prayed that God would give me strength to not break down-and He did. I was able to work and not wallow in my sorrow. Everyone's response has been so sweet. Although I am reminded that when someone is grieving the last thing they need is a pep talk. What has comforted me most is understanding. So thank you to everyone who has cried with us, prayed for us, and is still hoping with us. My pastor called us when he heard the news and was genuinely sad with us. One thing he said that really struck me as true was "this isn't a miscarriage, this is losing a baby". I keep thinking about the word miscarriage and I don't really identify with it, but I do identify with losing a baby.

We received the blood results yesterday, and the results were less than optimal and confirming the doctor's prognosis.

For so long I have struggled with this whole idea of faith and healing, and Monday night as I wept before the Lord, I realized that faith is really about surrender, trusting God that His will is best even when we don't understand it. Yes I would love to just believe that the doctor is wrong and my baby is fine, but without accepting the possibility of a different outcome then I'm denying the process. Believe me, I am totally open and asking for God to do a miracle for this baby, but I'm also open for God to maybe having a different plan. If this baby makes it, it will be a miracle baby. The promises He has given me are still true. Hannah went on to have several children after Samuel, and I will too.

My husband has been such a rock for me. There was a moment on Monday when I thought-it's this kind of stuff that really shows what we are made of. My husband is made of tenderness and strength. He has comforted me and is truly carrying me through this. I know that he sacrifices some of his process for my sake, because I see him loving me more than himself.

We arrived home last night-so now we can enjoy the comforts and closeness of family. Some might think that news like this the week of Christmas is worse, but I'm glad that it's a time to celebrate and do all things I love most.

A day of tears

2005-12-19T18:46:00.000-08:00

Today we had our first ultrasound, and unfortunately received news that every new parent fears. The doctor says that it doesn't look like the pregnancy is viable. By this stage, the baby should be developed more and it's not. The sac should be bigger than it is. When asked what the chances were, he basically said that from his experience there was little chance that this baby would make it.

We cried, prayed, asked why, and are still left wanting. I'm torn by the natural side of me that knows that this baby won't make it, and the spiritual side of me that says God always has room for a miracle.

As I prayed, I was reminded of Hannah-she prayed that God would open her womb, and He did. When she had her son Samuel, she gave him to the high priest to raise. I've come to peace that if this is God's will, I will release my baby to live with the Highest Priest. I really can't think of better hands to give him to. As much as it hurts, I know that all the promises God has given me are still true. Our baby is still coming, it just might not be this one.

It's so overwhelming!

2005-12-03T20:24:00.000-08:00

It has been a wonderful past few days. I know that some people don't like telling people that they are pregnant until sometime has passed, but I think that sharing in the good news makes it so much more exciting. Everyone's calls, e-mails, and prayers have just been so sweet.

I had my repeat HCG test done on Thursday, and was told that the numbers were good but not great. So we would need to recheck them in two days. Immediately, I felt that this was an attack of the enemy. God hasn't just given us a pregnancy-He is giving us a child-this child. So I prayed that this child would be called into his/her destiny, and that included life here on earth.I told my parents and they prayed and believed. My dad said he felt such peace and confidence and encouraged me to not worry. The next day my mom was praying and asked God to give her a word of encouragement. That same day she received a Congratulatory card from a friend that included the scripture 1 Samuel 1:27 "For this child I prayed and the Lord granted me my petition which I asked of Him".

I went into the clinic today confident that everything was fine-and of course my numbers had gone up. So the next official medical step is an OB ultrasound in a few weeks to find out 'how many'! All I want is a healthy baby-but I'll gladly accept a double portion, but triple? We may have some hesitancies-but that is why God gives women 9 months to at least adjust to the idea of being a mom. I don't think there really is anything that prepares you for the responsibilities, sacrifices, and rewards of motherhood. But it's nice to have lots of resources and friends to try to get ready.

So what started out being Kristy's blog through infertility is now a blog through pregnancy. A new chapter begins...

And.....Breathe!

2005-11-30T15:37:00.000-08:00

For the past few days I have been holding my breath, and today was the biggest sigh of relief. Our prayers have been answered and promises fulfilled-WE ARE PREGNANT! It's been a long three year journey, but it is totally worth every moment. Now a new journey begins, no longer a temporary one, but this one is for life. I feel so blessed and honored that God has heard my prayers. What I feel is Pure Joy! Thank you to everyone who has walked this out with us. Your prayers, tears, encouragement, and love have truly been life to me.

I'm so excited!

2005-11-20T19:24:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have those times in your life that you find yourself smiling for no reason? Then when you stop to think about it, you realize that you just feel excited. Lately I've been finding myself smiling a lot. It's a combination of a lot of things. One of which is the obvious hope of pregnancy. I'm so excited and hope so much that this is it, that I have to remind myself that I haven't seen the two lines just yet. Secondly, I absolutely love this time of year. I love knowing that I have great times and memories ahead with both friends and family. During the holidays, there is a scent of celebration in the air that encourages me. Some people get very stressed out over the holidays, and believe me there have been times I have felt that stress. I've always felt that even amidst all the busyness of shopping, parties, and travelling, that there is an underlying current of joy. If you get too caught up in the river of hustle and bustle then you can easily miss out on the whole purpose. Underneath it all-it's a time to celebrate our faith and family, and that brings a smile to my face.

Day 16 IUI

2005-11-15T23:49:00.000-08:00

Today is a good day! We went in for the intrauterine insemination, and at first the nurse couldn't get through the cervix. Then the doctor tried and he was having trouble. As the doctor is shaking his head not knowing what to do, I tell Kyle "the Red Sea parted", and my doctor asks what I said. I tell him "I was hoping that if God could part the Red Sea then He could part my cervix!" Just as I said that, he got the catheter through.

Another recent confirmation of the promise God has given-Last week I was feeling kind of frustrated so I decided to listen to the Bible on the Ipod. Without thinking, I randomly chose 1 Samuel. As I listened to Hannah's story of God opening her womb, I was reminded that just as God gave Hannah her son Samuel, God was going to give me my child. It was a great moment of remembering the promise. I know without a doubt that God is going to give me children. Some women in my situation question whether or not they are supposed to be a mother. I know I'm supposed to be a mother, it's just a matter of timing.

My mom told me today that my Aunt Carole woke up last night and felt like our pregnancy was going to be the family's Christmas gift. She didn't even know we were doing the insemination today.

God is so faithful to remind us of His promise through the process. I'm extremely excited and hopeful that we are pregnant. Honestly, there is a part of me that is scared to even say that, but I really want to take a step of faith and truly believe that God is going to fulfill His promise.

day 10-15

2005-11-14T22:49:00.000-08:00

This whole process is such a waiting game.
Day 10 Ultrasound to see if I am responding to the Clomid. Unfortunately, the follicles aren't as big as we would like. So we wait and repeat the ultrasound in two days.

Day 11 Charysse had her surgery-It was so hard not being there. As a nurse, I always feel inclined to be the nurse when a family member is sick, especially hospitalized. Although I think my husband would disagree. When he is sick, he thinks that I minimize his symptoms. It's not that I don't care, when you see sick people all day, it's sometimes hard to feel overly compassionate, but I'm trying.

Day 12 Repeat ultrasound
Unfortunately, the follicles are still not as big as we would like. So we wait until Monday for another ultrasound. Basically we want the most ideal environment, and hopefully we will get it. So I start checking for my LH surge everyday to see if I'm ovulating, and again wait. Oh and he put me on estrogen to help encourage my endometrium. I've always been concerned that that might be a contributing factor. Even though I have yet to find any literature supporting this, it just doesn't seem normal to have periods that only last 24-48 hours. Although it is nice, I don't think it is helping my cause.

Day 13
Garage sale today
Some of the Relevant gang came to scout out the neighborhood. Kyle and I put out our stuff at 7:30 and by 11:30 we were loading it up to Goodwill. At some point you realize that it just isn't worth your time to sit out there and hope that maybe somebody would give you a few dollars for your already unwanted items. So ironically its a combination of generosity and selfishness that sets in. Selfish side says I have better things to do, generous side says Goodwill can use this stuff.

Day 14 church day
Our Sunday's are always full-but it's a full that is good. I get to spend the whole day with my husband, and we get to hang out with friends. The saddest part though is that I had to say goodbye to our sweet friends the Jacksons. Elizabeth has been such a good friend to me, and I'm going to miss our long talks. And I'm really going to miss that Owen guy-that smile and laugh just makes you melt. He is going to grow up so fast, and I hate that I won't be around to see it.
On another note-we have asked our cell groups to partner with us in prayer these next few weeks and believe that this baby is going to be conceived this time. The support of my friends and family is sometimes overwhelming. I sometimes don't know how to respond to the generous support and encouragement, but it's always helpful.

Day 15 LH surge
Woke up this morning to find those two lines exactly the same meaning I will ovulate within the next 24-36 hours. So I called my doctor and told him "it's time". Now I get to skip the ultrasound today, and go tomorrow for the artificial insemination. I'm really hoping that there will be no problems, that my cervix would be open and it would be painfree. I gave myself the HCG shot this morning, which tells my body to go ahead and release the egg. It's really weird giving yourself a shot. It makes me a little more compassionate for my diabetic patients.

Day 8 & 9

2005-11-08T10:10:00.000-08:00

Day 8
Well today has been so busy at work, and I am tired. I woke up early (4:45 early) to take my parents to the airport, so it's been a long day. We had cell group tonight, and I must admit my expectations and anticipation level were very low. Then my wonderful husband had a really good word about being a cheerful giver. 2 Corinthians 9:8 "His grace abound toward you". It was a great reminder of how God gives us an abundant grace for everything we are called to do. We have hope!!

Then Kyle wanted to share with everyone our process this month and asked everyone to agree with us in prayer. I don't mind people knowing, but all the questions just makes it harder somehow. That's why blogging will be good,-because then I won't have to recap over and over my feelings of disappointment-but you better believe that if it's not disappointing I will probably be screaming it from the mountaintops.

Day 9
This morning I was reminded of a curse that was spoken over me that needed to be broken. As I was checking out of my doctor's office last week, the receptionist who takes care of billing said to me, "well, I might as well start an in vitro file for you" as if she knew that artificial insemination wouldn't work. So in the name of Jesus I declare that I don't need an in vitro file-that this is going to work this time.

Tomorrow I go for another ultrasound to see if my ovaries produced follicles. If so, then everything is a go!

Day 7

2005-11-07T12:53:00.000-08:00

It has been so nice having family around this weekend. We all went to church together, and the service was amazing. It was one of Pastor's best sermons, but it was more than what he said. The presence of the spirit was so evident, and it was powerful to experience a move of the Holy Spirit with our family. Then at the end, as Pastor was dismissing the congregation, he flippantly says "and that baby is coming!" Kyle and I both, as well as my mom, immediatly teared up. It was like he said it right at us, and I believe that through the Holy Spirit he did.

It feels so much better to be hopeful even at the risk of major disappointment, then to feel stagnant and safe. Going through this round gives me a lot of hope that maybe it will work this time.

It was sad to see our family leave, especially my sister. She moved to East Tennessee just a few months ago, and is going through culture shock. It is so hard to find friends and community when you move to a new area, especially when you are literally starting from scratch. I know that God has called her there, and it's just a matter of time until she finds that sense of belonging there. I am so proud of her though, she has truly stepped out of every comfort zone and surrendered to God's will for her life. Stay the course sis! You'll make it.

I'll admit it-I really like watching Grey's Anatomy. Last week was good-although I'm torn whether or not Dr. McDreamy should stay with his wife. From the spiritual side of things I guess he should, but then there is the emotional side that really wants him and Meredith to get back together. I hate it when media lures my flesh in such a way that contradicts what I truly believe. I think it happens more often than I even realize-which is a reminder to stay guarded.

Day 5 & 6

2005-11-05T09:43:00.000-08:00

Day 5 started out with a roar-I went to work my half day and all of the sudden everyone decided they needed to be seen. Usually I see 8-11 patients in a morning-I saw 15 yesterday! Needless to say-it was extremely busy.

I then came home and prepared for my husband's not-so surprise 30th birthday party. Everything worked out perfectly. Sometimes when I plan an event, I have certain unspoken expectations that often aren't met, but this time they were met. I wanted everything to be perfect for his 30th birthday-and the evening was exactly what I had expected!

Because he found out about the party, it made planning it so much easier. I think it was God's way of lightening the load for me. Oh and he found out because of a number of things- 1st he was looking around my office for some paperwork of his, and found my invite list. Then he was going to ask for a half day off on Friday to spend with my parents, and I told him that he needed to reserve those requests for our upcoming doctor's appointments. After my huge breakdown, he caught me at a very weak moment and just asked "Are you planning a party on Friday?" I was in shock, I didn't even answer. I knew then that he knew. What's the point of throwing a surprise party if it's no longer a surprise. So after a few tears, I realized that it was probably better that he knew.

Day 6
So today it is official-I'm married to a 30 year old man. Hee-Hee :)
Happy Birthday baby! I love you so much, and I hope that on day's like today you know how very loved and appreciated you are by everyone around you. I'm glad I will be around for the next 30.

Baby talk- Still taking Clomid 100 mg and prenatal vitamins--and just waiting for my follow-up ultrasound on day 10 to see if my ovaries have responded to the medication.

Day 4

2005-11-03T20:54:00.000-08:00

Well I just got back from the airport and picked up my parents and sister! Yeah!!!
It is going to be a fun and memorable weekend.

Unfortunately, the surprise party I planned for my husband is no longer a surprise, but at least it's still a party with a "few" of our closest friends.

As far as Day 4 goes, I'm taking Clomid 100mg-not feeling any effects yet and of course my prenatal vitamins. I am figuring out that I can somewhat gauge my hope for pregnancy factor by the consistency of my taking prenatal vitamins. If I think I may get pregnant-I am very deligent and conscientious about taking them, and then there are times that I don't take any (subconsciously thinking what's the point)? Hmmm...discovering strange behavior about yourself is always enlightening.

Day 3

2005-11-02T17:19:00.000-08:00

Started Clomid 100 mg D3-D7

Good news! My doctor did a trial transfer-and he got through!!! This means that I hopefully won't have to have my cervix dilated for the real insemination. Since last time's disappointment, I have been praying that since God can part the Red Sea, then He sure can part my cervix. And it looks like He did!! So now we take the hormones--which unfortunately make me have hot flashes and gain weight. But right now, I'm willing to do just about anything for this baby. One thing that walking through this process has given me is this overwhelming love for a child that hasn't even been conceived yet. Even if it's not our genetic child, I still have this deep desire to hold my baby. If I think about it too long it brings me to tears. So onto something else...

I got a job offer today from my infertility doctor--hmmmm? I guess it's something to think and pray about. I'm always open to God's possibilities.

My family is coming into town tomorrow night, and I am so excited about seeing them. It has been a while since we have all been together, and a really long time since both of our parents are together, so it will be a weekend of pure fun!

Day 2

2005-11-01T15:56:00.000-08:00

I've spent the past few days getting my house ready for my in-laws and my parents coming to town. There is nothing like company to inspire you to get those projects done that you've been wanting to do, but just haven't found the time.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my infertility specialist. I'm looking forward to going and making a game plan. I think he will probably do an ultrasound to check my ovaries to see if there looking good for ovulation. I pray they look great!

As a woman we have to have the dreaded pelvic exam done. At first I was insistent that only a woman do it. Now having to go through all of this-I really don't care as long as they know what they are doing. I still don't like having to do it-but let's be honest-who does?

Day 1

2005-10-31T19:29:00.000-08:00

Well usually I'm pretty private about things that I consider pretty private, but I realize that maybe this process that God is having me walk through might be better served if it is logged and even shared. So here it is: Day 1 of a round of infertility.

I used to be only inconvenienced by "that time of the month". Then I went through a time when I was disappointed, and lately it's been just flat out discouraging. For so long I've been believing and having faith that we would just get pregnant through natural means. I feel like I've waited and prayed so many times, and now I've come to the conclusion that we must need some amazing intervention to get pregnant.

So today-I was strangely excited to start this round. I have waited for the past 3 months to get more settled into my new job, and have hoped that we would just get pregnant-and I'm getting tired of waiting. I want a baby! So I've made a plan to do artificial insemination this round-and this time actual get it into the uterus! (Our first round of IUI (intrauterine insemination) last June the doctor wasn't able to get into my uterus). So I feel hopeful-why? because I feel like I have a plan and I'm doing something. The past few weeks have been emotionally difficult for me, and during a breakdown last Saturday with my husband, I realized that the underlying theme is this process of trying to get pregnant. I know that sometimes I don't even let myself go to that place of feeling the grief of this process, out of fear that I wouldn't be able to get out of it. I KNOW God has a baby for me, and I'm more than ready to do whatever it takes.

What's going on?

2005-10-22T13:50:00.000-07:00

Frequently I'm asked what's going on? I sometimes have trouble answering the question. I'm not sure if it's because there isn't much going on, or I just don't know how much they want to know. My husband tells me that I have trouble asking people to help, that I have trouble assuming that people want to know. I am learning though. Today I gave a baby shower for a friend and the girl that was helping called the night before and asked about coffee, I asked her to take care of it. I realized that often times when I am planning things, I just assume that I will do everything, and then when people offer to help I have trouble telling them what to do, even though they are asking. It's a mix of perfectionism (by doing it myself, I know it will be done the way I want) and fear that I would be asking too much and that I would be misunderstood. I guess we are all a work in progress, and I'm learning to just ask.

On another note, there are very few people in this world that really know how to press my buttons and make me mad. I have recently found myself working with one of those people, and I'm feeling very challenged when I evaluate my response. It's kind of like that quote "no one can make you feel inferior without your permission". The funny thing is that it's not so much what the person is saying, it's how they say it. That tone that forces you to make that decision to give them permission or not. I've watched my husband learn how to respond to that tone, and I definitely use his experience to help me know how to respond. There is a part of me that wonders if there is a way to confront the person and maybe challenge that tone, but then I also realize that maybe I wouldn't be on the receiving end of that tone if my response diffuses the tone instead of adds to it. Many lessons to be learned.

Kyle is turning 30 soon!!!

2005-10-10T19:44:00.000-07:00

Honestly, this is the perfectionist side of me. I haven't told anyone that I'm even doing this, because I don't have it looking exactly the way I want. Although the anonymity right now is kind of nice.

So what's on my mind right now?
My sister-in-law is having surgery soon.
My husband's 30th birthday is coming up!
My job is somewhat busy and overwhelming at times.
I'm trying really hard to fight a cold-but I'm not sick.
God is so good in the midst of it all.

Kristy Blogging?

2005-09-26T19:22:00.000-07:00

I've recently had many friends who have started this whole blogging thing, and I figure it's time to give it a chance. It may take some time for me to get it really going, but you have to start somewhere though right? So here it is, my first official posting, and basically I'm writing this tonight just to see what happens.